By that bloke on This Morning
YOU probably think it’s great having the biggest penis in Britain, but big cocks aren’t all plain sailing. Sometimes, like King Midas, I wonder if my donger is a curse, not a blessing.
If women don’t know you’ve got a monstrous phallus, you have to steer the conversation towards it. Have you tried getting from Civil War to your pork torpedo in logical conversational steps? You can’t say: ‘I bet Kirsten Dunst likes big knobs.’ That’s just weird. It’d be easier with Boogie Nights, but mentioning a 1997 Mark Wahlberg film apropos of nothing is pretty odd too.
Nonetheless I do get women wanting to sleep with me, especially after being on TV. Cool, huh? Not really. Imagine the sort of cackling chav harridans who suggest it. They’re not exactly Sydney Sweeney. Sid James is a more accurate comparison.
On the rare occasions my meat muppet attracts someone I fancy, I’m terrified they see me as a sex object. ‘Is it me you love, or just my gargantuan spunk-pump?’ is not a conversation you want to have.
And there are the non-sexual drawbacks. Let’s just say I quickly learned not to wear Speedos during family swim time at the leisure centre. Fashionable skinny jeans become instantly pornographic, and I can’t even wear comfortable jogging bottoms because boy, do those things stretch if you get an erection on the bus.
Speaking of erections, my penis requires an alarming amount of blood to become engorged. It’s all I can do not to pass out during sex, and I live in fear of ploughing my car into a group of pedestrians if I get too aroused by an M&S underwear advert on a billboard.
The cruellest blow is that having a big penis does not automatically make you good in bed. Ladies expect a screaming, juddering, mind-blowing orgasm, and if you have merely average ‘staying power’ they can be very forthright about their disappointment. You’d be surprised how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep due to my incredible schlong.
So believe me when I say there is a price to pay for a massive penis – a price paid in humiliation and tears. It truly is a double-edged pork sword.
