LOOKING to get a quick read on whether you’ve just entered the home of an uncultivated dolt? Keep an eye out for these tell-tale signs:
Wall quotes
Whether it’s ‘Let the good time beGIN!’ or a resolutely non-ironic ‘Live, laugh, love’, anyone who wants to decorate their home like a shit motivational Instagram post has zero taste. And a framed poster that says ‘Good vibes only’ really doesn’t work for a couple who spend the whole time bitching about each other whenever one of them leaves the room.
Studio family portrait
Even if you adore your family, it’s weird not to be ashamed that your guests know you spent hundreds of pounds having a photographer take awkwardly staged pictures of you all in a variety of embarrassing poses. Why not just frame a shitty group holiday selfie, like normal people?
Jacuzzi in the tiny bathroom
In this person’s mind, a jacuzzi is the epitome of luxury and they weren’t going to allow something like the minuscule proportions of their apartment’s bathroom stand in the way. As you squeeze into a corner to piss due to their awkwardly-positioned jet bath, try not to wonder whether they regularly have sex in it.
Drinks globe
Having any kind of home bar that isn’t the back of a kitchen cupboard is naff, but choosing to purchase a giant novelty globe that swings open to reveal your Campari and white chocolate Baileys is the height of tackiness. Is a mirror ball design tackier than an olde worlde map? Hard to tell.
Fake fruit bowl
Do they want people to think they’re healthy? Because a bowl of fake fruit is the quickest way to prove the opposite, as it’s obviously not real and is covered in a thick layer of dust. It serves absolutely no purpose because it doesn’t even look nice, and as a decoration is no different from having a trough of plastic meat in your living room.
