MOVING house is widely acknowledged as the only way to live in a different house, but is it worth it? Or should you slump on the sofa looking as a wall you hate forever? Consider these:
You will have to speak to estate agents. Multiple times. You may even end up building a personal relationship with these slimy, hateful bastards.
There are not enough boxes in the world for all your stuff. Being literate was all fine and good until it ended up with you owning a van full of bound paper.
Despite the fact you’ve kept every cardboard box from every delivery you’d ever received specifically for this occasion, you have two.
A bank will assess every single thing you own and declare it adds up a paltry sum that is laughably beneath them.
You’ll soon be sending formal legal letters about boundaries and surveys as if you know what you’re talking about.
Drainage, and septic tanks if you’re moving to the country and managing your own foul waste, are also now within your purview, taking up mental space that could be used for celebrity relationships.
Packing-induced papercuts will arise in places deeply unnatural.
Buyers will ask questions about your house so ludicrous you will suspect they are strangers to how humans live.
The hold music of a mortgage helpline will become indelibly imprinted on your brain. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night three years later with it running through your mind and a shadow laughing across the room.
Parents and older colleagues will kindly remind you of the much better deals they got on their houses. Some cost 35 quid.
They’ll also remind you interest rates were 15 per cent and they only had a tea chest to sit on for three years, and you don’t care about any of that shit either.
An unfeasible number of unforeseen catastrophes that threaten your purchase will occur every two to three days for two to three months.
Solicitors will charge you not only for every single-word email they send but also for idly thinking of them a month later.
Although you hate speaking to your estate agent, you will discover when they ghost you just as you need essential information that is actually worse.
Someone in the chain will be a flaky bastard and ruin the lives of sixteen households. It may be you.
Money: it turns out you need a great deal more of it than even your most pessimistic budget.
The only friend who offers to help you move will be your most useless.
The previous owners of your new house will fail to understand the definition of the word clean. They will also have taken several fixtures with them, up to and including the stairs.
Removal men will break the only piece of furniture you actually like.
The process of changing your address will never end. Only that charity you donated to once and then dropped will track you down unassisted.
You will see a nicer, cheaper house available on RightMove the day you move in.
