International

PRESIDENT Trump has spent his full hour with the prime minister discussing the crucial issue of underestimated crowd sizes at his inauguration last week.

DONALD Trump has nearly worn out the large fake red button that the CIA told him would set off nuclear weapons.

THE construction of a 2,000-mile long border wall that will ensure Mexico survives the total implosion of America begins today.

JULIAN Assange is to hand himself over to US officials after watching every film that doesn't feature Adam Sandler.

DONALD Trump has started his day by idly crossing off countries on a map of the world.

THE stars-and-stripes is switching colour scheme to orange, purple and white to match President Trump’s facial colouring.

DONALD Trump has confirmed that the next four years are going to be as fucked up as his campaign.

THE final footage for a grainy, event-packed pre-apocalypse montage will be filmed at the Capitol in Washington DC at 5pm today.

BILLIONS of humans have reassured Donald Trump that it’s fine if he wants to change his mind about becoming president.

A SCREECHING, orange, shit-flinging gibbon will be crowned ruler of the free world later today.