International

SOUTH African president Jacob Zuma arrived in London last night on the first leg of his bid to buy Cheryl Cole.

TONY Blair has backed Colonel Gaddafi's call for the annihilation of everyone in Switzerland.

A BRITISH businessman has been named as the prime suspect in the death of a billionaire intent on taking over the world.

HILLARY Clinton opened a new chapter in the West's diplomatic relations with Iran yesterday by describing the country as 600,000 square miles of sand-infested whackjobs.

NATO's latest Afghan strategy aims to wean the Taliban off Islamic fundamentalism and onto obsessing about their living rooms.

THE arrest of a US soldier accused of sticking his daughter's head in a sink has sparked a national debate over when it is acceptable to water-board a child.

THE American Tea Party movement closed its convention yesterday with a traditional throwing of freshly deposited faeces.

A BRITISH tourist last night described the moment he was attacked by Dannii Minogue while diving off the coast of Northern Australia.

THE Colorado balloon hoax is really a hoax balloon hoax, the FBI said last night.

A QUARTER of the world's population is unable to have a few sherberts or stare at some knockers they do not already own, according to new research.