International

THOUSANDS of panicked UK tourists in Egypt contacted the Foreign Office last night after it emerged their mojito had still not arrived.

NELSON Mandela is to resign from being himself to make way for Morgan Freeman.

SARAH Palin has hit out at her critics in the wake of the Tuscon shootings claiming they have fired at her 'with a semi-automatic hunting rifle of injustice'.

THE United States has taken another small step towards realising they are not all the stars of some badly written melodrama.

INTERNATIONAL diplomats have been given a tour of Iran's nuclear facilities after finding a golden ticket inside a Lion Bar.

PROSTITUTES across Spain are ordering a range of home improvements after their earning estimates for next year were revised upwards.

THE Vatican blocked a visit by French first lady Carla Bruni in order to prevent a full-scale Papal engorgement, it has been confirmed.

THE first of the trapped Chilean miners brought to the surface have admitted that four of their colleagues were delicious.

THE president of Iran last night fought off an angry United Nations General Assembly using nothing but a medium sized courgette.

MEN cannot resist touching themselves while watching Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell's anti-masturbation diatribe, it has emerged.