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Trump unites shocked world in contempt for him

A WORLD of different races, creeds, and sexual orientations has come together to pronounce Donald Trump a f**kwit. 

Following tragic events in Washington DC, the Ozempic-addled president took the podium to blame the crash on whoever he did not like at that current moment without a shred of evidence.

Ryan Whittaker of Coventry said: “Sometimes the random cruelty of the world can seem impossible to understand.

“Then Donald Trump pops up during what is meant to be a solemn moment of national mourning with half-witted suggestions like the helicopter should have moved out of the way and you realise there are absolute truths, like what a opportunistic twat he is.

“Whether you’re a military veteran, a figure skater or simply a human capable of empathy, in that moment when he blamed DEI policies and backed it up with ‘it just could have been’ you felt the same disdain. So in a way he’s building bridges.”

DC resident Helen Archer said: “As a Trump voter, I urge us all to stop and share in this moment of mourning before scrambling to find desperate ways to justify his off-the-cuff bullshit and posting wildly about it on social media.

“Okay, that’s long enough, off we go.”

Stand in an unnecessarily long airport queue: Five ways to celebrate five years of Brexit

FIVE years ago Britain left the EU in a triumphant venture that brought the nation together. Here’s how to celebrate half a decade of non-stop Brexit success.

Stand in a longer than necessary airport queue

Waiting in a slow-moving airport queue with a bunch of foreigners you wish would stay in their own country is the perfect way to mark Brexit’s wooden anniversary. Standing there, clutching your blue passport printed in France, you’ll have ample time to think proudly about the sunlit uplands we’re enjoying now and forever. If, somehow, you run out of benefits to reflect on, sneer at the EU residents going through customs in a matter of minutes. They must be sick with envy at your chilled-out lifestyle!

Pay a shitload of postage on goods from abroad

Importing goods from other countries is a guaranteed good time as you get to chuckle at their shoddy handiwork. Who cares if it costs many times more than it used to? You get what you pay for in this life, and subjecting EU members to needless paperwork is sweet revenge for all those grants and subsidies they inflicted on us for decades.

Visit the sick in a well-funded NHS corridor

As everyone knows, the NHS is now benefiting from a whopping £350 million a week as a result of Brexit. To see these funds in action, swing by your local hospital and take in the sick and dying cluttering up all the corridors. The doctors and nurses may appear overstretched, but that’s only because they’re so busy dealing with an influx of patients. Secretly they’re happy they’re not standing around doing nothing.

Watch the migration of businesses to the EU

Dodge the crowds who will spend today looking out for migrants trying to cross the English Channel by watching the ongoing murmuration of businesses flocking to the EU instead. Sadly you’ve already missed the likes of Dyson, Honda, Ford, Barclays and HSBC relocating to pastures new as a result of Brexit, but with a bit of luck you might be able to see another big name fleeing on this special day.

Marvel at Britain’s dwindling economy

Five years ago Britain’s economy was a needlessly huge blob that was dragging the country down. Thanks to Brexit though the country’s finances have slimmed down and now it’s flaunting its assets like a papped celebrity in the Mail sidebar of shame. Economists predict that the country could be £331 billion worse off by 2035 as a result of leaving the EU, which is great and exactly what everyone voted for in 2016. Party on!

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