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How DEI policies lead to horrific air disasters: A timeline according to Donald Trump

PRESIDENT Trump, in his wisdom, has blamed the first disaster to occur during his administration on diversity policies. This is how he believes it happened:

January, 2021

The era of diversity begins when mentally enfeebled Joe Biden is promoted to the White House over a far more qualified candidate who triumphed in the interview process.

July, 2021

Every able-bodied white man of above-average intelligence is dismissed from the government, on the grounds of being an able-bodied white man of above average intelligence. 

March, 2022

DEI hiring begins. Priority is given to ethnic minorities, alternative sexualities, non-Americans who have never visited or heard of America, the quadriplegic and members of the ‘lazy and incompetent’ community, who, it is claimed, are underrepresented in government.

December, 2022

A new head of air traffic control is appointed after being interviewed on TikTok. Black, blind and a native of the Sentinel Islands, the appointee demands the right to work from home and a medical Fentanyl prescription, which is granted.

April, 2023

Meanwhile in the Army, approximately 900,000 frontline personnel are subject to court-ordered therapy after psychological testing shows a tendency to solve problems with violence. They are replaced with liberal children.

October, 2023

Expertise is outlawed for being a structural tenet of patriarchal colonialist power structures. Federal employees are urged to express their creativity using tax codes, highway refurbishment programmes, police forces and air traffic routes.

November, 2024

Trump re-elected. Every employee of the federal government gets themselves signed off with stress, crying woke tears.

January, 2025

Donald Trump, the only man in the world capable of perceiving the above because of his incredible X-ray eyes, looks up just in time to see the disaster about to happen. He shouts clear instructions but the pilots, speaking only Tagalog and Istro-Romanian, do not understand. Tragedy ensues.

February, 2025

Trump fixes everything and makes America great again. (TBC)

Concerns about shoplifting you'll agree with until you realise I'm a racist. By Roy Hobbs

THE new trend of extremely brazen shoplifting is worrying. You’re probably agreeing with me now, but that’s before you’ve realised I am a massive racist.

We both know the sort of shoplifting I mean – when thieves take over a store and empty entire shelves, their numbers and the threat of violence preventing staff from intervening. It’s popular with a certain type of criminal, but I’m not going to set any alarm bells ringing just yet.

You will agree this is concerning and more serious than the sort of shoplifting we’re used to, such as stealing small items like razors or meat, often to feed a drug habit. I will suggest that it requires harsher punishment. You will see no reason to disagree. 

However you will be thinking in terms of tougher prison sentences to act as a deterrent. I will be thinking more of deporting the ‘shoplifters’. And their families. At gunpoint. On a banana boat. 

Then I will say something like: ‘Of course, they’re all in gangs.’ You’ll be concerned about the direction the conversation is taking and attempt to point out there is no causal connection between crime and race. But you’d be wrong, and Enoch was right.

Finally I will claim we are not allowed to mention the colour of the shoplifters’ skin. The penny will finally drop, but it will be too late to avoid being subjected to my frankly bizarre racist views, such as black people being genetically predisposed to crime, however that works. I’ll probably also share my thoughts on ‘Muslim rape gangs’ since we’re already having a chat.

You can disagree with me, of course, but rest assured nothing will get through to a dyed-in-the-wool racist whose prejudices are constantly reaffirmed by my racist friends, Twitter and mainstream politicians. Including ethnic minority ones, which even I find a bit strange.

At this point you may discover you wish to end the conversation, as people often do. That’s fine. Strangely, I might even reach the conclusion that you agree with me that there’s only one way to deal with these shoplifters – send ’em back.

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