subscribe
/ Sign Out

Royal Family 'great for attracting incredibly annoying tourists'

ALTHOUGH the Royal Family brings in a large number of tourists, they are the absolute worst, it has been confirmed.

Researchers found the economic benefit of the Mountbatten-Windsors is effectively cancelled out by flooding the country with dreadful idiots.

Wayne Hayes, on holiday from Florida, said: “I’m here to see the Queen. She lives in Downtown Abbey and wears one of those little helmets.”

Brooklyn hipster Tom Logan said: “We’re ironically checking out Buckingham Palace and then I’m going to show one of those tall, furry hat guys some porn on my phone.

“If he hits me he’ll get fired, and I’ll get loads of retweets.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “They are hellish, but at least they don’t vomit everywhere. Sorry, Magaluf.”

Charity fundraiser really raising awareness of himself

A MAN doing a challenge for charity has really raised people’s awareness of how excellent he is.

Nathan Muir has been making everyone he knows aware of the plight of amazing guys doing a short sponsored bike ride.

Sales manager Muir said: “I’ve told my 642 friends on Facebook and 258 followers on Twitter. If I can just get a few more I’ll have hit my target of 1,000 people knowing I’m great.

“I’ve also been raising awareness in the office for the last three months so everyone knows I’m training twice a week and how humbling it is to help people in need.

“I think it’s people. It might be dolphins. No, I’m pretty sure it’s Africans. Or children. I’ll check on the website.

“A few people I know aren’t on social media, like Liz at the newsagent’s, so I’ll go in and tell her in person. It’s a bit of a pain, but you’ve got to think of the Africans, children or dolphins.

“The main thing is it’s for a good cause. Would you like to donate? It’s no problem if you don’t, just so long as you know I’m doing it.”

Next story ›