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Okay, fair enough, I'll come quietly, says Netanyahu

ISRAELI prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu has instantly realised the jig is up and turned himself in after being issued with an arrest warrant.

Immediately halting his next bombing strike on a children’s hospital, Netanyahu promptly surrendered to Palestine and walked to the nearest police station to save the International Criminal Court any further hassle.

He said: “Message received. No need to drag the inevitable out any longer than necessary. Which way to get my fingerprints and mugshot taken?

“I’d had a good run for the last few years, but once the big boys at the ICC politely ask for you to be detained it’s game over. Trying to evade the authorities in a lengthy and dramatic car chase would be futile, and besides someone could get hurt.

“It’s nice of Biden and the international community to spare my blushes by saying the warrant is outrageous, but rules are rules. Clearly something I’ve done has crossed the line, although for the life of me I can’t think of what.”

Vladimir Putin said: “I was slapped with an arrest warrant by the ICC nearly two years ago, and I’ve been quaking in fear every day since. When will those sick bastards stop toying with me and bang me up?”

Storm Bert 'terrifyingly working-class'

THE UK is to be hit by a storm called Bert that takes five sugars in its tea, smokes indoors and wears a flat cap without a hint of irony.

Storm Bert will arrive in working-class areas of Scotland and the North tomorrow, making a terrible mess and tracking crap all over your carpet, but will do so with such no-nonsense bluntness that you will be powerless to say anything.

Eleanor Shaw of Lancaster said: “Oh dear, not Bert. I fear he’s going to be rather plain-speakingly destructive.

“We may be in the North but we own a £535,000 detached home in its own grounds, so we rather got on with Storm Fergus last year. And we actually invited Storm Henk to come back in summer.

“But Bert sounds like he’ll do terrible damage to our Edwardian frontage and I’ll just have to laugh it off because I don’t want to seem a snob. ‘Oh Bert, you’re a force of nature!’ I’ll guffaw while inwardly seething.”

Meteorologist Dr Helen Archer said: “I’m afraid I can confirm that Bert will be a gruff storm with no time for niceties who will not even notice that he has flattened your imported fuchsias and blown the French windows right through.

“However after Bert it’s Conall. Irish gentleman, lovely lilt to the voice you’ll hear on the wind, reminds you of Normal People. Wear your nice maxi-dress.”

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