ANY rumours that King Charles III has cancelled his engagements to stay at home in adult-size nappies are untrue, Buckingham Palace has stated.

After the monarch cancelled his engagements because of temporary side-effects of his cancer treatment, the Palace confirmed that could mean lots of things and not necessarily double incontinence.

A spokesman continued: “It might have been dizzy spells. Fatigue. His whole face could have swelled up like he’s been stung like a bee. You don’t know.

“We’re not saying what it is just to protect his privacy, not because it’s deeply embarrassing. And those suits of his we’re burning in the grounds of Clarence House? That’s just routine. Royal routine.

“Any rumours that he’s shouting ‘Whoa, here we go again’ while ‘riding the copper rooster’ as I believe they call it in care homes, with accompanying sounds that will haunt anyone unfortunate enough to hear them, are false. And the smell. I’ll never forget the smell.”

Patriotic subject Nathan Muir said: “The King is not in nappies, nor is he hoisted onto a velvet changing mat atop an 18th century oaken coffer to be changed by a team of servants who powder his bottom.

“But if he was it would be wonderfully regal and I would happily wear a nappy in tribute.”