APRIL 2nd will go down in history as Liberation Day, according to Donald Trump. Here’s how America will come to celebrate its raft of new tariffs in typically taste-free fashion.
The ceremonial pardoning of the Tesla
Innocent Tesla Cybertrucks were attacked in the run-up to Liberation Day, so as part of the day’s naff festivities a specially-chosen Tesla will be performatively granted a reprieve from protestors on the lawn of the White House, before being ‘set free’ to roam the streets of Washington DC. For MAGA types, this nonsense will be a deeply moving, tear-jerking scene.
Dumping foreign products into New York Harbor
Polluting their harbours in response to taxation is a traditional way for Americans to celebrate liberty, so it will make a weird amount of sense to dump foreign vehicle parts, pharmaceuticals and quality food products into their waters every April 2nd. Future generations reenacting this event will even be able to dress up in the archaic red baseball caps true patriots wore at the time.
Eating weird liberation-themed meals
Liberation dinner will be the highlight of every April 2nd, with friends and family coming together to eat weird American concoctions freed from the shackles of rationality. The main course will be a giant home-baked Oreo cookie, served with lashings of grits and washed down with jugs of liquidised hot dogs. Between courses, everyone will toast the global depression that’s still going on years later.
Hosting a parade of giant inflatable American brand logos
With its giant inflatable Kermits and Buzz Lightyears, the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade may seem like a void at the heart of American culture, but it will look like the Renaissance compared to the Liberation Day version. Crowds will be lost in respectful patriotism as the Fox News logo floats overhead, and children will squeal excitedly as their beloved Nike Swoosh hoves into view. Truly the stuff that families make cherished memories from.
Folding it into an NFL halftime show
No American celebration would be complete without inserting it into an NFL game. Come the halftime show on Liberation Day, viewers will be treated to Kendrick Lamar spitting bars about countries facing the biggest tariffs, and cheerleaders will enthusiastically spell out America’s diminished credit rating. Worst of all, you’ll be expected to stay up to an ungodly hour and watch it.
