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Hello, I'm a friendless inadequate who finds spiritual fulfilment in calling beautiful women 'mid'

HEY there! You know me. You’ve encountered me online! I’m that guy who gets attention by posting an unflattering photo of a famous woman and calling her ‘mid’.

Or ugly, or fat, or having the body of a mom. Or sometimes I compare her to attractive women of the past in an argument against modern feminism and wokeness. It’s all good.

The women? Well, that varies. Sometimes it’s Sydney Sweeney sitting in such a way that her belly’s creased so I can say she’s a fat bitch. Sometimes it’s a paparazzi shot of Billie Eilish leaving a shop. A cleverly-angled shot of Anne Hathaway looking old is my gold.

Whoever it is, they’re a woman who society has decided is gorgeous. And I, alone at home, dare to disagree. Like the child who saw the emperor was unclothed, I speak out against the prevailing opinion like a truth-telling hero.

You demand examples? Well, Selena Gomez looks like she’s birthed five children. Scarlett Johansson? Never hot. Mikey Madison? Wouldn’t even make relief cheerleader in a failing Delaware high school.

Impressive stuff, and the number of views, likes and comments I get on social media proves it. Because you get paid for that now, I’m making a good living. Miley Cyrus? The face of meth-addicted trailer trash! Your angry response just earned me £3,500.

What do I look like? Well, I hardly think that’s relevant, do you? I have no friends or intimates, it’s true. No personal relationships to speak of. Daylight is a stranger to me. But that doesn’t matter because I get such gratification from my work.

Margot Robbie? Mid.

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'No', man in Hawaiian shirt told

A MAN who believes the spring weather gives him licence to wear a Hawaiian shirt has been sternly corrected. 

Flamboyant dresser Tom Booker has been reprimanded by friends and passers-by for greeting relatively pleasant temperatures with a floral shirt more suited to the tropical climate of a Central Pacific archipelago.

Friend Stephen Malley said: “I’ve not shut Tom down because of his cultural insensitivity. He just looks like a massive dickhead.

“We’re only two days into April. The mercury is slowly inching up to 16 degrees. This is a time for T-shirts under denim jackets, maybe shorts if you’re one of those men and feeling adventurous.

“They’re only acceptable on holiday, during a prolonged spell of sweltering weather or at an office Hawaiian day if you work in a twat’s office. Even then, shirts decorated with little pineapples? Leave them to their target demographic of the closeted and divorced.”

Eyewitness Emma Bradford said: “Tom’s posing a visual hazard. I had to step into oncoming traffic in order to go over and tell him to put a hoodie over that gaudy shit.

“Also, wearing a Hawaiian today is goading the British weather into turning grey, showery and f**king freezing for the next six weeks. Don’t taunt it, you know how it gets.”

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