Brigadoon vanishes for another 100 years

THE magical land of Brigadoon has melted into the Highland mist.

After 48 hours of musical adventures the village will disappear for 100 years until it is once again discovered by accident by some people from London.

As the mystical fog descended, the people of Brigadoon waved goodbye to their new friends while singing: “Haste ye back, haste ye back, and bring plenty of money.”

BBC political editor Nick Robinson said: “Luckily, I have not fallen in love with a feisty lassie and I am getting the fuck out of here.”

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Westminster vows never to allow vote on anything that matters ever again

MPs have pledged that voters will never again be given the power to actually change anything.

Following a terrifying surge in political engagement in Scotland, Westminster is determined that all future votes will be the usual choice between three men built by Marks and Spencer.

House of Commons Speaker, John Bercow, said: “An 84 per cent turnout, rallies in the streets, and intelligent, informed debates are all the stuff of nightmares.

“By some dreadful miscalculation the future of this nation was, for a brief time, in the hands of the people who live in it.

“Never, ever again.”

Cross-party talks are already taking place to ensure all further choices offered to the public are so utterly meaningless that voter turnout will nestle comfortably in the low 40s.

Nick Clegg, the self-styled deputy prime minister, said: “Thank God the Scots are so institutionalised.

“Well done, my tiny, red-haired friends.”

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