Health

YES, I broke lockdown. But if you had any idea just how much triple-A pussy you can get mathematically modelling the spread of disease, you’d understand.

SO far, the end-of-year montage for 2020 is going to be you sat at home watching other people sat in their homes. But could these miracles turn the year around?

A MAN with a fresh ‘I Love NHS’ is beginning to worry that he needs a trip to A&E.

DESPERATE for attention? Sick of some virus stealing your thunder? Here’s how to make this global pandemic all about you.

A TEENAGE boy is regularly heading outside to partake in some mysterious exercise that makes him smell like burnt leaves, his parents have confirmed.

EXTREMELY unusual but ultimately necessary behaviours have been rebranded as 'the new normal'.

A WOMAN taking part in weekly online yoga sessions is enjoying the freedom to fart audibly throughout.

A SELF-RIGHTEOUS, snooping arsehole is becoming increasingly annoyed at not having enough opportunities to call the police.

PRESIDENT Trump has recommended injections of disinfectant, UV lights and regular applications of snake oil to cure COVID-19. But what else is he suggesting? 

EVERYTHING has changed, and every stranger or shiny surface is potentially a vector of infection. Here are the new habits you’ve picked up.