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Young people should only get vaccine if they've bought a house, say boomers

WELL-OFF baby boomers have agreed that Covid vaccinations should be restricted to property owners, to incentivise the young. 

The over-55s, who get vaccinated this month, believe that leaving anyone from Generation X downwards without protection against coronavirus will concentrate their minds on what is important: home ownership.

Retired accountant Norman Steele said: “We’re not being selfish. We’re being prudent sensible and thinking of what’s in the youngsters best interests.

“What’s life worth living for if you haven’t got a mortgage? I fought in the war. Not the actual war, I’m referring to the house-buying war of the 1980s. I got gazumped twice, but we just got on with things then.

“All today’s young people are contributing to society is woke rubbish. They need some skin in the game. They can have their vaccines when they’ve earned them.”

Steele’s wife Judy said: “I casually voted for Brexit and the Tories, so don’t expect any empathy for other people from me. Although if they change the triple-lock pension I’ll be screaming blue murder.”

Millennial Josh Hudson said: “It sounds kind of unfair to not give us our jabs, but I’ve almost saved up a deposit so f**k everyone else. I’m in.”

Baldness, baldness, hiding baldness: the hot new hair trends for men over 45

ARE you a man of a certain age looking for a new style to hide your thinning hair even from yourself? Hair stylist Martin Bishop runs through this year’s looks: 

Bald

Forget the silver foxes – this is the year to embrace your inner naked mole-rat. Expect to see men who suddenly own sports cars rocking this bold style, and getting plenty of attention from the ladies for daring to go naturally bare.

Embracing the recession

Hair disappearing over the top of your head like a cowboy sunset? Lean in and slick it back. Balding is just the sexy younger sibling of the full slaphead, and you’ll see it everywhere this season. Remember, when your wife asks of an ageing actor ‘Didn’t he used to have more hair?’ what she’s really saying is ‘When did he become so gorgeous?’

Hiding the island

Developing a shrinking island of hair at the front? It’s time to embrace your inner wildman and grow the rest out, going for a relaxed, messy style that makes that exposed scalp just one more element of the whole damn mess. You may be losing it but you’re so relaxed about that prospect you drink before noon and wake up in a hedge.

The ol’ combover

Reclaim your heritage by taking on your dad’s classic look: the combover. Once everywhere, this look will instil you with a sense of power and youthful vigour – think elderly Tory MP about to be caught in a compromising position with a sex worker.

Shaved to the bone

Want people to believe you’ve got a naturally full head of luscious hair, but have made an uncompromising style decision? Shave it, and bluff it out. If anyone points out the tidemark between smooth baldness and sexy stubble, they’re rude. The cool breeze on your scalp will be a revelation and women will be falling over themselves to bag you as their own Mark Strong.

Hair transplant

Women often fancy footballers, and who’s a better footballer than Wayne Rooney? Don’t Google it, but if you already have, rest assured the bleeding doesn’t last forever.

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