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Woman unwinds before bed by watching 4,326 short videos

A WOMAN likes to relax into sleep after her usual healthy wind down routine of watching several thousand 30-second videos on her phone. 

After a long day at work, Eleanor Shaw, 36, finds nothing more soothing than curling up in bed and watching a literally endless stream of online content on an intensely bright electronic device.

She said: “I find the best way to switch off my brain is by bombarding it with a monumental amount of sounds, images and information. You know, the sort of quantity that would outright kill a Victorian child.

“It doesn’t even really matter what the videos are. Memes, dances, make-up tutorials, cooking videos, clips from podcasts, they all blur into one long stream of senseless nonsense once you’ve mindlessly scrolled enough of them.

“People say I’d be better off reading, but once you’ve tried TikTok there’s no going back. Why would I settle down with a boring old black-and-white book when I have an unlimited supply of videos designed for children and people with dangerously low attention spans?

“I know I shouldn’t really be on my phone right before going to sleep, but what’s the alternative? Lying there with my own thoughts? No f**king thank you.”

Isla Fisher, and other celebs you're in with if you don't mind them going on about their ex

SHOULD you go out with someone who’s clearly on the rebound? Probably not, but if you can put up with hearing about their ex you’re definitely in a with a chance with these celebs…

Eamonn Holmes

After being married to Ruth Langsford for 14 years, Eamonn is be processing deeply traumatic feelings of hurt and betrayal. Discreet earbuds might be the answer. Just remember to nod sympathetically and not sing along to the playlist you’re actually listening to. We know from the Phillip Schofield saga that Eamonn bears a grudge, so it might be worth lining up a few podcasts too.

Isla Fisher

In a cost/benefit analysis, Amy Adams lookalike Isla Fisher is definitely worth listening to a few tales of woe about Sacha Baron Cohen for. Perhaps don’t use those exact words. Their break-up could even be quite interesting if you’re a big fan of Ali G and Borat, and if she’s sad about it it’s a golden opportunity to cheer her up with your own hilarious ‘Is it cuz I is black?’ impression.

Jennifer Lopez

J-Lo and Batfleck have a long history together, and that’s where things get tough for a new partner. ‘Ben didn’t stub fags out in the pot plants,’ J-Lo will say. ‘Well I’m not f**king Ben Affleck,’ you’ll snap back, annoyed. Of course, the opposite might be true. Ben might be a complete slob, and you look like a fantastic boyfriend for remembering to flush the toilet after a shit. Now they’ve definitely split up you can date Jennifer and find out.

Kevin Costner

There’s a definite window of opportunity for Dances With Wolves fans here, as Kevin is still single after splitting with Christine Baumgartner last year. Sure, there’s going to be some baggage after 18 years of marriage, but it’ll be easy enough to change the subject. ‘My favourite film? I think that would have to be Waterworld,’ you could say. ‘It’s not like Mad Max II at all.’ Kevin, who takes himself rather seriously, will be putty in your manipulative hands.

Billie Eilish

Billie is still single after breaking up with songwriter Jesse Rutherford last year, who, worryingly, she called ‘my homie forever’. You’re not concerned she still has feelings for him, it’s that she’s going to discuss him in painfully embarrassing Gen Z-speak. Could you ever truly love someone who says ‘rizz’ and ‘cheugy’? Think carefully before inviting her round your place for a pie and the Spurs game on Sky Sports.

Mariah Carey

Mariah broke up last year from dancer Bryan Tanaka. As her new squeeze you shouldn’t actually have to talk about him too much, because for divas like Mariah and Madonna, backing dancers are ultimately as disposable as Star Wars stormtroopers. If anything Bryan got off lightly being dumped rather than being vaporised in an exploding Death Star.

Harry Styles

Harry recently split from actress Taylor Russell, who you’ll know as the star of Escape Room and Escape Room: Tournament of Champions if you have extremely tragic film viewing habits. The problem isn’t Ms Russell, it’s that Harry has a near-infinite supply of hot exes to reminisce about. If you’re the sort of nightmare girlfriend who has a strop if your boyfriend inadvertently mentions his completely ordinary ex from 15 years ago, you’re probably best off not going out with someone who’s shagged Taylor Swift.

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