By Prince Andrew
IT’S about time there was a film about me, so I can’t wait to see Scoop with Gillian Anderson. It’s bound to be a hit, so why not turn it into a franchise? Here are my plans for the ‘Andyverse’.
The sequel to Scoop
The obvious starting point for my extended universe. I’m assuming Scoop will show me cleverly winning a battle of wits with that cow Maitlis, like I did at the time. Audiences will love it, so we need a direct sequel, much like Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back.
In Scoop 2 I’d bravely clear my name and become King due to public demand, which could definitely happen. Rufus Sewell as me is okay, but he’s too old and doesn’t really have my looks, so I’d play myself. I’d like to go in more of an ‘erotic thriller’ direction, but I’m sure Gillian Anderson and Billie Piper will be up for full nudity.
A prequel series
The obvious setting is the Falklands War, where my maverick pilot takes out dozens of Argie Mirages in his trusty Sea King helicopter. Obviously that didn’t happen in real life, but you’ve got to use artistic licence. You’re not telling me Tom Cruise could pull 8Gs with his ageing bladder.
Of course what my female fans want is a good romcom. No shortage of material there. I envisage something like Four Weddings…, but based on my own bachelor days in the 80s, with me shagging around then finally meeting the right woman, Lady Sarah Ferguson, played by Christina Hendricks. Because they’ve both got red hair. Obviously.
My last prequel project is The Island of Dr Epstein, in which a naive young 55-year-old prince is lured into a sex web by an evil financier. When he realises what’s going on, he does nothing to help the victims and heroically denies everything. I’ve pencilled in Margot Robbie for my love interest, Virginia. We’ll just digitally de-age her 16 years.
Superhero character (TBC)
It’s all superhero films these days, so I’m keen to acquire an IP. Sadly the only one that’s not been snapped up is Bananaman. It might work if we go down the ‘gritty reboot’ path, with Bananaman’s parents dying in front of him after being shot in cold blood by Captain Cream. I’ll leave the details to Chris Nolan.
Merchandise
Every extended universe has merchandise. They must be coining it in from Captain Marvel and Madame Web products, so I’ve got a few ideas:
Action figures. These make more money than the films. I’d have figures of myself in loads of different outfits so parents would have to buy them all, eg. RAF flight suit, ceremonial gown, massage parlour towel. Eat your heart out, George Lucas.
Signed photos. Always on Amazon. You could probably do hundreds in an hour, but I’d just get a footman to do it for me. Hardly anyone knows what my signature looks like anyway, except all those federal prosecutors.
Collectables. While cynics mock their high prices, some of these are actually quite well-made. I think any teenager would be delighted to have a valuable figurine of me proudly standing there erect in their bedroom.
Sex comedies
Humour and sex are two of my passions, as you’ll know from me organising 1987’s It’s a Royal Knockout and the numerous tabloid stories about me. I’ve always liked Confessions of a Window Cleaner, possibly because I can relate to Robin Asquith getting in trouble due to his ill-advised shagging. Although he usually just has to escape from irate husbands, not the FBI.
