WATER companies have told customers they can either pay higher bills or start enjoying excrement coming out of their taps.

Having run out of cheap places to pump your waste, water companies have given you the choice of paying substantially more or being automatically signed up to their new ‘turds-out-of-taps’ scheme.

Privatised water company CEO Norman Steele said: “Nice chrome taps and marble basins you’ve got there. Would be a real shame if something utterly disgusting were to happen to them.

“Look, it’s nothing personal. We’ve got to make a profit and you keep sending solid and liquid blackmail leverage our way every single day. If you were in our position you’d do the same.

“Is a six per cent price hike really so unreasonable when you consider that we leave your house completely piss and shit-free? I don’t think so. If anything you’ve been taking our valuable services for granted for too long.

“Also, we saw how you immediately rolled over and forked out a fortune to gas and electric companies and we want a slice of that action. What are you going to do, go back to using a bedpan? Don’t make me laugh. You’ll kick it over in the morning and that will be horrible.”

Thames Water customer Nikki Hollis said: “Even if I hold my turds in I’ll still be paying more. It’s the shit-standing charge, that’s how they get you.”