OUTDOOR swimming pools are wearily preparing for yet another summer of being overwhelmed by the experience-seeking middle-classes.
Any swimming pool without a roof on is busily removing clumps of plasters and adding negronis to the cafe menu as they prepare for an influx of influencers, coolhunters and Guardian-reading families on authenticity safaris.
Stephen Malley, manager of the High Peak Leisure Lido, said: “We’ve been here for 80 years and bloody cold for most of those. It’s the way the regulars like it.
“But come summer, the ‘Ten Best Open-Air Pools’ articles all start appearing and we’ve suddenly got a new uppity clientele livestreaming 7am training rituals to their followers.
“They’d never do this down the local municipal, but being outdoors makes us fair game. Never mind that five days a week we’ve got school parties pissing in it. They’re thronging us like we’re a Stoke Newington cereal cafe playing a hyperpop set.
“We’re icing our lattes, relabelling our protein bars as gluten-free, and there’s an ironic quote about swimming on a chalkboard. The NikNaks in the vending machine have been replaced by unsalted parsnip chips. It’s horrendous, but we have to milk these twats.”
Sophie Rodriguez said: “We came 200 miles to get the perfect poolside sunset yoga shot for Instagram. No regrets. Did I go in the water? No. They’ve put chlorine in it.”
