IS this the day the Coronation happens, or is it going to drag on even f**king longer? Your invaluable eight-day guide:
MONDAY
No, today is not the Coronation but an ordinary May bank holiday. Choosing to honour the King by taking part in a Green Man festival and presenting pagan gods with an animal sacrifice is optional.
TUESDAY
No, today is not the Coronation, except on The One Show. Today should be used for preparation: buying commemorative tins of biscuits, hand-stitching flags and, if you attended a minor public school, preparing glue and paint for your ecological protest.
WEDNESDAY
No, today is not the Coronation, merely the day when it becomes inescapable. Anyone suffering any life events such as the birth of a child or loss of a parent is asked to postpone their emotional reaction until the following week, in respect for the King.
THURSDAY
No, today is not the Coronation, but Coronation Commemoration Day in which we remember the previous Coronation in 1953. Call elderly relatives and ask them to discuss it at length. Watch old footage of it. Ready yourself for the greatest day of your life.
FRIDAY
Today is Coronation Eve, when it is mandatory to have no other thoughts than those focused on the Coronation. The BBC will help. Watch it as an empty vessel ready to be filled with glorious tradition and pageantry. Let go of everything you once were. You are a subject now.
SATURDAY
Today is the Coronation. You are up before dawn watching preparations and drinking in hushed commentary. The event itself is more majestic than you could ever have imagined. You swear true allegiance to the King and mean every bloody word.
SUNDAY
The crash from yesterday’s 24-hour euphoria is only cushioned by tonight’s Coronation concert featuring luminaries such as Tom Cruise, Katy Perry and public domain character Winnie the Pooh, all taking part because they believe Charles is brilliant and for no other reason. ‘Remember yesterday?’ you say nostalgically.
MONDAY
A day off. Gradually, you recall that you were off a week ago today and didn’t give a f**k about the Coronation then. You slowly emerge from your temporary derangement and, as after Diana died, resolve never to think about it again. Start to gear up for Eurovision.
