WANT to boost your wellbeing? Do not bother with these simple hacks which are nothing compared to a wank and a smoke.
Drink lots of water
Nobody likes to drink water because it tastes of f**k all. Even when diluted with squash it’s nothing compared to a lovely pint. Downing several glasses of water a day might be good for your body in the short term, but before long you’ll be busting for a piss and gasping for a fag. Now there’s a habit worth the consequences.
Go for a walk
You exhausted the novelty of going for a walk two weeks into the first lockdown. Now the thought of popping out for a stroll fills you with about as much excitement as the idea of filling out a tax return. Why go outside anyway? You can smoke indoors if you open a window slightly, and wanking in public is a no-go. It has nothing to offer you.
Meditate
You might well download a meditation app to help, so why not watch some filth while you’re on your phone? Firing up your site of choice is a reflex at this point anyway, and ten minutes spent furiously masturbating while watching people go at it will leave you just as relaxed as sitting with your legs crossed and monitoring your breathing.
Journalling
Logging your thoughts in a little book every day is apparently a great way to improve your mood. Anyone who’s tried it will tell you that’s bollocks though. All you’ll really do is compile a diary of how much you fancy a smoke and could really do with a hand shandy. Not exactly a scintillating read for you or future generations.
Get lots of sleep
Sleep is admittedly a great wellness boost. The only downside is that at some point you wake up, remember how shit your life is, then slouch off to your underpaid job. On the other hand, smoking and masturbating have no negative impacts, so long as you ignore deadening your libido and destroying your lungs. Which you already are anyway, like a pro.
