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Enjoy getting f**king polio, anti-vaxxers told

WITH the UK experiencing its first polio outbreak in 40 years, people are eager to see anti-vaxxers put their money where their mouth is.

A strain of the virus, previously eradicated from the UK thanks to the polio vaccine, has been detected in sewage in East London, leaving anti-vaxxers strangely quiet about whether it is another conspiracy.

Self-described ‘vaccine sceptic’ Norman Steele said: “It’s a complete coincidence that polio’s come back now that we’ve caused vaccination rates to noticeably dip.

“I’m not worried. It’s probably fake news again. Those 1950s kids in iron lungs are obviously photoshopped. And besides, if you’re rummaging through Cockney sewage, a bit of polio should be the least of your worries.” 

However anti-vaxxer Margaret Gerving said: “It was fine with the Covid vaccine – that was clearly just the government trying to control the sheeple and you got to go on a fun demo. But polio’s a real disease, isn’t it?

“My cousin, who’s a doctor, told me I should immediately get vaccinated. But then again my mate Ian, who’s a carpenter in Rhyl, shared a post on Facebook which said the vaccine’d make my tits fall off. So I don’t know who to believe.”

Sane person Emma Bradford said: “I just hope for the sake of these twats that smallpox isn’t planning a comeback tour too.”

How to get just the right amount of drunk on a date

TOO much booze and you’ll remember nothing; too little and you’ll see your date for who they really are. Here’s how to get your level of drunkenness just right:

Line your stomach

A difficult balance. If you arrive after eating nothing but a few crisps you found at the bottom of your rucksack, the first drinks could make you cackle like a lunatic or become horribly morose. Stuff yourself at Subway on the way and you’ll be horribly sober, able to take in everything your date has to say about their work paintballing trip and any chance of romance will die. 

Go for a sharpener

There’s nothing more unprofessional than turning up to a date stone cold sober. In order to be more relaxed and a bit less ‘yourself’, calling into a pub for a quick sharpener on the way is a must. Just limit yourself to one. Or two. Not more than three. Otherwise there’s a high chance the only thing you’ll be snogging at the end of the night is the bar you’ll soon be slumped on.

Hydrate

The old trick of having a glass of water between every alcoholic drink is a good way of keeping yourself on the right side of alcohol oblivion. The only problem is you’ll need excellent bladder control. Incontinence isn’t a great look for a first date. Or your date will think you’ve got a far dodgier problem if you religiously head to the loos every 20 minutes. 

Take a hip flask

This isn’t the 1920s so a water bottle will do, or any receptacle full of vodka. That way if the date’s a shitshow and you need more alcohol than you can reasonably consume in front of your date, you can top up in secret. It might set you on the path to alcoholism, but if your date insists on talking about their gym routine/car/ISAs it’s worth it.

Throw caution to the wind

Saying ‘f**k it’ and getting plastered will mark you out as a fun-loving free spirit. And if you just look like a hopeless lush you won’t remember much of it anyway. On the tiny off-chance that things go well for once you’ll be incapable of performing in the bedroom, but at least you can blame it on those tequila shots and not just your total incompetence at sex.

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