Food

AUTUMN, the season of kicking up leaves, having bonfires and drinking disgusting, sickly, overly-spiced drinks. Here are the worst.

A MAN who burned his tongue on a cup of tea feels like he has been betrayed by a loyal and trusted friend.

A HOT, sweating man at a glory hole was genuinely thrilled to see an ice-cold Fruit Pastilles lolly poked through.

A MAN is unable to make a sandwich after discovering that the handcrafted sourdough loaf he bought is too weird a shape to cut into decent slices.

YOUR polite hand gestures and meek eye contact are never going to get your food ordered. Time to take drastic action, like this.

DESSERT menus that do not include any chocolate-based offerings have been sternly told where to go by the British public.

WHETHER it is high tea at Claridges or low tea in some ghastly greasy spoon, tea is the measure of how you rank in Britain. What does the length you leave your bag in say about how refined, or otherwise, you are?

A WOMAN erroneously believes her various food allergies are evidence of what a truly fascinating character she has.

RESTAURANTS are closing down in vast numbers. Is it because people are struggling with the cost of living or because eateries do these f**king annoying things?

A MAN idly pushing his trolley round Morrisons and chucking in anything that catches his eye is clearly making up his big shop as he goes.