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Windmill your cock: How to finally attract the attention of a waiter

YOUR polite hand gestures and meek eye contact are never going to get your food ordered. Time to take drastic action, like this:

Put cash on the table

Waiters are notoriously low-paid, and can’t resist a bit of extra cash. Place a pound coin in the middle of your table and their money-grabbing little paws will be upon you before you can say, ‘Shall we get starters?’ The risk of this strategy is that two waiters will spot the money and get into a fight. Still, that might be fun to watch, especially if you’re out celebrating your birthday.

Unleash your children 

People find children at restaurants annoying, so the staff will be desperate for you to keep yours under control and avoid getting on the other diners’ tits. Simply remove their iPads and tell them to go and help themselves to the plates on the next table. You’ll have a multitude of waiters with you in seconds.

Shout something stupid

Only an uncultured oaf yells something like ‘Oi!’ or ‘Garçon!’ at a waiter, or goes totally for broke and repeatedly clicks their fingers. However, it will get the staff’s attention and they will be forced to come and serve you. You’ll get your meal, but bear in mind that your delicious French onion soup will arrive with liberal lashings of piss in it.

Start to leave

If you’ve been sat waiting for the bill for an hour, this is by far the best option. Don’t commando roll out of the door or anything, just do what you’d normally do when leaving a restaurant: start putting your coats on, stick the fancy wine glasses in your bag, and so on. For legal reasons, you should shout ‘Well, goodbye then!’ so you have a watertight defence against any subsequent accusations of running off without paying. If they still ignore you, you get a free meal.

Windmill your cock

This will definitely grab the attention of the waiting staff, although they’ll probably react by calling 999 because you’ve just committed a serious crime. At least a trip to the local police station will make a nice change from the previous three hours of clearing your throat and attempting to make eye contact.

Six hobbies that don't necessarily mean you have to smoke weed but always do

INTERESTED in ley lines? Campfire jam sessions with friends? Or any other hobby which theoretically could be enjoyed without weed, but never, ever is?

Stone circles

There’s no specific reason why Neolithic sites should be connected to getting stoned. Their builders were off their tits on mushrooms, if anything. But any unfenced henge is regularly stumbled around by hippies in clouds of skunk, feeling energies flow through them, oblivious to the annoyed looks from druids pissed off nobody takes their work seriously.

Bongo drums

These open-bottomed hand-drums travelled from Africa to Cuba to New York, but at some point a bloke with long hair and a smouldering spliff picked up a pair. Ever since, arriving at a party and seeing a set of bongos means there’s some pretty good shit being passed around, along with some pretty shit music.

Underground comics

Comics themselves aren’t necessarily a sign of drug use. Everyone loves superheroes now. Alan Moore’s work gets made into blockbuster movies and he’s the definition of a dope-smoking hippy. But a home with Freak Brothers, Robert Crumb or Milk & Cheese comics scattered around is a home with a stash box and cellar growlights.

Exotic pets

Why would keeping a bearded dragon mean you automatically smoke up? What correlation is there between tarantula ownership and being a dealer? No rational one, but when you see a tank containing a lizard in a front room the likelihood of the owner rolling a joint on a Hawkwind album hardens to certainty.

UFOs

Many people, including leading astrophysicists, keep an open mind about the possibility of intelligent extraterrestrial life. Not if you’re a stoner. Your mind is slammed shut, and within it there is no doubt whatsoever that aliens exist, regularly visit our planet, and were solid buddies with the ancient Egyptians. While not believing in the moon landing.

Hemp

Hemp could make bottles that biodegrade in just 90 days. It could make beautiful, natural, and yet durable, clothing. It makes paper, sustainable buildings, and biofuel. But somehow you never see breadhead businessmen in sharp suits and slicked-back hair advocating for its use, only befuddled men exhaling bong hits. Which is suspicious.

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