SHOPPERS are fighting outside supermarkets for the chance to buy Dubai chocolate, the twats. Were these items ever worth queuing for or mere compensation for empty lives?
Dubai chocolate
Dubai is the only country in the world designed for wankers, but perhaps queuing at dawn to own some of their pistachio and tahini chocolate will make you fleetingly happy? However you can also buy genuine Dubai chocolate – or a near-identical copy – online with ease, so you’re not only boring, you’re thick.
iPhones
Queueing for three days for an iPhone was a rite of twattage in the late 00s. They set you apart from the herd with their grubby Samsungs and Nokias and you’d get your photo in the newspaper holding a box. Was it worth it when everyone else had theirs a fortnight later? Still, at least you weren’t the knobhead out overnight for an Apple Watch.
Star Wars movies
Those who camped out for The Phantom Menace at least had their innocence. Since then the fandom has been ruthlessly violated with horrendously expensive merchandising and an endless cycle of terrible television. Disney has actually succeeded at filling the void where your personality should be. Filling it with shit like Force dyads and Baby Yoda.
Lidl middle aisle oddities
Fighting other bottom-feeders for random middle aisle products such as an inflatable gazebo or cast-iron canoe has become a British institution. Will your hot pink cement mixer ever get any use? Will other middle-aged suburban couples be impressed? Will it make you less monotonous as a person or get you laid? No, no, no, and no.
Trainers
Limited edition trainers are loved by the credulous, though how a mass-produced and ubiquitous product bolsters your individuality is a mystery. Yes, those Air Force 1s really make you stand out from the other 9,999,999 people who bought a pair this year. Though Kanye West’s Yeezys will single you out as a proud anti-Semite.
Fast food products
You. F**king. Loser. A dog has more self-respect than to hang around miserably for hours waiting for the chance to buy a limited edition McCrispy BBQ Smokehouse. How little is going on in your life if this is a worthwhile event? If you take a greasy wrapper home as a trophy, do your friends crown you King of the Underachievers?
