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They're making a film about Ringo

A MAJOR Hollywood studio is making a biopic of the so-called ‘fourth Beatle’ Ringo Starr, it has emerged. 

Sam Mendes is to direct a quartet of films about the Beatles so, presumably contractually, one of them is about the band’s drummer and hanger-on.

Beatles fan Joseph Turner said: “I guess the fourth film in a series is always a disappointment.

“Still, it’s hard to imagine the audience for this. Ringo Starr, obviously. His Bond girl wife Barbara Bach. Other family. Are there any die-hard fans of Thomas the Tank Engine’s early years? They might be interested in it as an origin story.

“What will be in it? The composing of Octopus’s Garden? It’s basically the same events as the other three movies but filmed from the back. He wasn’t even in the band until 1962.

“Excellent casting choice in Barry Keoghan, though. He’s someone else elevated to fame far beyond his talent or ability who’ll spend the rest of his life coming to terms with how it happened and where it went.”

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Man goes whole week without ejaculating for first time since 1995

A MAN has reached a key milestone in his journey towards respectable old age by getting through seven days and nights without shooting his load. 

Nathan Muir, aged 44, is both proud and concerned that for the first time since his early teens he has passed an entire week without committing self-abuse, though is not sure who to tell.

He said: “Not since Noel’s House Party was in its heyday have I has the stamina to wrestle the albino eel three times daily, but I was still at it daily until relatively recently.

“But it was only yesterday when I realised it had been a full week since I’d last taken hold of the old gigglestick and given it a proper throttling. It would seem this is middle age and I’ve lost my masturbation mojo.

“I was up late at the weekend watching repeats of The Old Grey Whistle Test but, despite some amazing Clapton fretwork, I never once felt the urge to stick my hand down my pants. Seems odd saying it, but I just sort of forgot to wank.

“I suppose I should clear the pipes semi-regularly to ward off prostrate problems, basic maintenance, that kind of thing, but it’s purely mechanistic. A pair of tits elicits little more than an acknowledging nod from me now.”

He added: “All those wanking years. I wonder what I saw in it.”

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