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Britons with f**k-all money hit hardest by bill rises, obviously

SINGLE-parent families, the chronically unemployed and anyone else without a pot to piss in will find higher household bills hard to afford, in case you f**king wondered. 

Rises in utility bills and council tax, both of which everyone has to pay, will be harder to afford for those on much lower incomes because as economists have helpfully explained, they have less money.

Dr James Bates said: “It might seem counter-intuitive. After all, if you’re a millionaire you have a much larger house that costs thousands to heat, as opposed to a one-room bedsit.

“But crucially, if you’re a millionaire you also have lots more money. And having more money makes rises in bills more affordable, because you have the money to pay them. Shout up if I’m losing you, I know this is complex stuff.

“That means these rises will also hit those in deprived areas, like the North, harder while barely touching those who own five-bedroom houses in Oxfordshire which seems unfair but is in fact capitalism.

“And I’m afraid it will also have a heavier impact on Britain’s ethnic minority population. Not because of racism or anything terrible like that, just because they earn less. Sorry guys.”

Jordan Gardner, aged 23, said: “Right, so it’s like if they doubled VAT on yachts and private jets I, working 18 hours a week in Spar, would be unaffected? Got it.

“Not that they’d ever do that, obviously.”

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Spray 'PAEDO' on their house: Terrific April Fool's pranks nobody will expect

TOO many April Fool’s Day pranks are lame and predictable. These push the envelope and take your joking to the next level: 

Loosen the nuts on their car wheels

Sneak out before the commute and unscrew their wheel nuts, then wait for your victim to try to drive away. All their wheels will fall off and they’ll be sitting there like a circus clown! Or they’ll be in intensive care after causing a multi-car pile-up on a dual carriageway. Either way – APRIL FOOL!

Spray ‘PAEDO’ on their house

Scrawl this on your victim’s home in the dead of night, not forgetting ‘NONCE SCUM’ and ‘ROT IN HELL!’. It’s even funnier because they’ll have to pay a commercial cleaning firm to get it removed as a matter of urgency. Luckily Britain has sane and rational views about sex offenders, so suspicion won’t hang over them for the rest of their life.

Put dogshit in a paper bag and light it

A classic: place a sizeable dog turd, obtainable from any XL Bully, in a paper bag, douse liberally in lighter fluid, tie to a petrol-filled bottle, light and throw through any window. Watch as they stamp it out and get dogshit everywhere! If they’re home.

Tell them Dick Van Dyke has died

Even the hardest heart will break on learning the 99-year-old star of Mary Poppins and inventor of the cockney accent has died. Once they’ve fallen for it perhaps saying ‘That’s a shame, I loved that film as a kid’ shout ‘April Fool!’ Check Wikipedia to make sure he’s still alive first.

Herpes prank call

The key is sounding official. Call from the genitourinary department of a local hospital, where you’re treating a former sexual partner who can’t be named due to patient confidentiality. Advise them they have a painful, sexually transmitted condition for life. Just don’t give the game away by bursting into laughter!

Balance a bucket of raw sewage on a door

Dennis the Menace was always doing this with water, so using faeces will be even funnier. Get your untreated sewage from any water company – they’ve got a surplus – break into your victim’s home and balance carefully. A bucket of excrement is heavy and could cause concussion or a spinal injury, so it’s two pranks for the price of one.

Snake in a Pringles tube

Place a mattress spring at the bottom of a Pringles tube and force in as many venomous snakes as you can. When your victim opens it they’ll fly out and give them a fright! Or the snakes may be dead. A tube full of mutilated reptile corpses is still surprising, though, so it counts.

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