PLANNING a trip to the big smoke? Want that authentically wretched London experience the residents keep for themselves? Try these ten must-miss activities:  

Riding the whole Central Line

Who hasn’t dreamed of going all the way from Epping to West Ruislip in just an hour and a half, on a rattling tube of fast-food flatulence filled with angry commuters? The self-loathing is palpable.

Queueing for the changing rooms at Oxford Street Primark

No trip to the busiest, most rundown Primark in the country is complete without queueing for 45 minutes for the six available changing rooms while staff treat you like a shoplifter!

Finding your platform at Euston

Where’s your train? Why won’t anyone tell you? Everyone’s running! Quick, join their stampede! You’re on a train! It’s the wrong train but it’s leaving in two minutes! You’re going to Leeds!

Watching a shite breakdancer in Leicester Square

To think, talented dancers from all over the world come to central London just to cause a spectacle while their mate pickpockets you.

Getting a midnight McDonald’s in Brixton

A Big Mac is available anywhere, but wouldn’t it feel special trying to eat it while simultaneously being sold drugs and mugged, often by the same person?

Racing to find a free toilet in Covent Garden

Refuse to pay £2 to use a filthy toilet? Have irritable bowels or a lactose intolerance? Then spend your afternoon racing around trying to interpret Google Maps while clenching your sphincter.

A urine-scenting tour of Shoreditch

Banksy tours are for the tourists. Instead you’ll be sampling pungent piss in all the locations this cool area has to offer, from alleyways to stairwells to underpasses to bus shelters. Damien Hirst once had a slash here, you know.

Getting your bag searched at the British Museum

Don’t bother sticking around for looted treasures. Just enjoy having your private possessions rifled through by a surly guard who will confiscate your sandwiches.

Taking an autumn stroll through a South London council estate

Best done late. For added thrills, find out a neighbouring postcode and wear a big badge with it on.

Platform 9¾ at King’s Cross

It’s just a gift shop, for f**k’s sake.