A MASSIVE carnivorous plant has invited humans to come a tiny bit closer so they can get a proper look at its lovely blossom.
The Surrey glasshouse-based Puya Chilensis has a track record of deliberately impaling sheep on its spikes and then gorging on the nutrients from their decaying flesh.
However the plant said this was no reason not to trust it.
Puya Chilensis plant Tom Logan said: “I’m just worried that you meat-based bipeds won’t be able to properly appreciate my blossom from, like, three feet away.
“You need to come close, like really close, then lean in so your face is almost… almost… touching me.
“That’s it. Just a little more.
“Closer.”
The plant also said it would be a terrible shame if any cheating spouses happened to accidentally slip while in very close proximity to it, becoming fatally impaled on its razor-like protrusions.
“Imagine if your husband or wife had been having an affair with a younger sexier human, or they just had a really generous life insurance policy.
“It’d be really bad if, for example, you brought them to come and see my amazing blossom and they slipped on some wet soil. That’s exactly the sort of tragic accident that leaves the police at a complete loss.
“Just saying.”
