subscribe
/ Sign Out

Big area of Britain nobody cares about to be flooded

A SWATHE of Britain that is of no real import, ranging from Bedford to Andover and from Northampton to Reading, is to be flooded today. 

Residents of a host of places that could not honestly be said to matter from Leighton Buzzard to Banbury are preparing for three months of rainfall in a day and widespread indifference.

Meteorologist Norman Steele said: “Northamptonshire, Berkshire, Buckinghamshire, Wiltshire, Bedfordshire: it’s a roll-call of Britain’s least loved counties.

“Commiserations to anyone who lives there, obviously, for the rain and for the general hopelessness. But you can’t expect a great deal of sympathy. You made the bad choice.

“Basically it’s middle and western England, missing out the Chilterns where the media people live, the cities where lots of people live and anywhere nice you may have been on holiday. The only location of note is Oxford where the plummy smart-arse pricks deserve it.

“So while you will see flooding on the news tonight, feel no concern. If this particular part of the UK was submerged forever it would be a net positive.”

Francesca Johnson of Stevenage said: “I live in the affected area so I feel I should be the first to say: let it all drown.”

Toasted behind radiator, flew out of window: how you lost your childhood pets

TO you they were friends and companions. To your parents, they were teachers of the brutal reality of mortality. This is how they died: 

Hamster behind radiator

Fluffy, cute, and hell-bent on escaping however possible. One minute your hamster was in his wheel, the next he was free and looking for a place to hide out. He found one. It wasn’t safe. Your dad dealt with the blackened, crispy result.

Budgie flew out of window

It’s how all budgerigars go: cage open, window open, they innocently fly free and are never seen again. A magpie’s day is briefly enlivened by pecking it to death. And it wasn’t just birds. A moment’s silence for every small dog that ever chased a ball out of an attic window.

Goldfish flushed down toilet

All drains lead to the sea, as Nemo learned, and untreated sewage is having a moment. But back in 1988 when your pet was pronounced dead by your brother and flushed away? He didn’t spring back to life. He went out by the least dignified route possible.

Rabbit killed by fox

It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, a fox-kill-rabbit world and a mum-discovering-bloodbath-with-carrot-in-hand world. They may be urban but they’re still bastards. She tried to scrub the hutch clean but the evidence of a massacre was unmistakable. It had to be burned.

Dog ate too much chocolate

Usually at Christmas, for extra dramatic contrast: a bag of chocolate buttons is left unattended, the dog scoffs the lot, its illness goes unnoticed until too late. Vomit’s everywhere and he dies on the way to the vet. Still, at least he got to taste peak chocolate before he died.

Tortoise reversed over

Back in the 1970s, tortoises were everywhere and drink-driving was rife. Dad was off down to the off licence for more Cinzano when he reversed carelessly and heard a sickening crunch. An animal that should still be alive today was a tragic victim of its careless times.

They all went to live on a farm

Joking. They didn’t actually get baked, crushed, torn apart or sent on a tour of Victorian sewers. To this day your pet is living a wholesome life on a faraway farm which you can’t visit. Your cat just made friends with a chinchilla! Your rabbit is on an adventure with a curmudgeonly toad! Your parents lied to you!

Next story ›