Celebrity

JACOB Rees-Mogg is to adopt Fall frontman Mark E Smith after mistaking him for a Manchester street urchin, it has emerged.

A MAN who has Morrissey’s lyrics tattooed on his body is finally starting to realise the former Smiths frontman is an arsehole.

A RABBIT has thanked Hugh Hefner for making people think he is a sex symbol, not just a boring herbivore.

IF IT’S true that you can judge a society by how it treats its elderly, then it’s equally true that you can judge a liberal country by how it treats its total arseholes.

A MATRONLY Bake Off fan is questioning everything she knew about herself after realising she is attracted to a man who dresses like a lady.

BRITAIN is celebrating the royal pregnancy in the traditional way with nauseating tabloid headlines and inane daytime TV speculation.

WILLIAM and Kate have announced a wonderful contraception mishap.

THE Queen has told Alan Titchmarsh she will never, ever shag him.

UNINTERESTING men have hailed Mark Wahlberg as their god.

CHARLES will become king when I am cold in the ground and not a minute earlier, the Queen has confirmed.