The nonce, the Chinese spy, and all my other great mates, by Prince Andrew

13th December 2024

COME in! Welcome to my Royal household. Have you met everyone? This is Mr Epstein, this is a spy for China, and these are my other pals. Let me introduce you.

So yes, this is Jeff, he owns his own island. Play your cards right and you might wangle an invite. What will you do for entertainment while you’re there? Let’s just say there’s no need to pack a Lee Child. If I had to end our friendship, I’d do it solemnly and in person.

This is H6, he’s a businessman who enjoys close associations with the Chinese government. You know what that means? Money. All he asks is I smuggle a few associates in and out of the House of Windsor. Tremendous fun, like being back at Eton.

Over here is Adam. He’s an arms dealer, though I believe he also dabbles in people trafficking? Very international. Anyway great guy, if you need anything getting he’s the man, asks nothing more than a Da Vinci sketch from the Royal archives and there’s plenty.

Ah, you’ve met Marco. He has got a familiar face, hasn’t he? That’s why he’s here, unfortunately, because back in South America they’re still chasing him for entirely spurious war crimes. They took my private plane away too, so we get each other.

Now you have to meet Gary. You know Gary? The Green River Killer, second most prolific murderer in US history? A very close pal. We get together to complain about the guys Netflix hired to portray us on screen. Not very flattering! His was even worse than mine!

And finally Sarah, my ex-wife. Sarah Ferguson? Yes, sorry, I know it’s a bit awkward with the toe-sucking and the WeightWatchers deal and that book she wrote about the helicopter. Just smile and nod. She’s a bit of a pariah compared to these dudes.

So those are the guys! Get yourself a drink and we have cheese on little sticks. Shame Emily Maitlis hasn’t made it. I thought we were friends.

One-night stands: The movie version vs your current predicament

13th December 2024

HAVE you just pulled unexpectedly? Don’t rely on Hollywood to give you an accurate account of one-night stands, especially the morning after. Here’s how real life will disappoint.

The sex

In films the sex is always amazing, assuming it’s not a murder thriller, and even then you’ll have an excellent shag before you get an ice pick in the brain. In your actual one-night stand there’s a good chance sex will be a fumbling, drunken affair, quite possibly involving having to awkwardly ask someone if they’ve had an orgasm or not, which isn’t a great sign.

Lack of nausea

As noted above, real-life one-night stands are usually the result of getting shitfaced with predictable effects the next day: nausea, paranoia and dodgy bowels, but now with the added complication of trying to look cool in front of a total stranger who is distractingly naked. Hollywood doggedly ignores this, and films about one-night stands tend not to feature Wesley Snipes vomiting in Nastassja Kinski’s bed or stinking out her bathroom.

Breakfast

In films, especially romcoms, one of you usually goes out for croissants and fresh coffee. Is there a charming little patisserie near your squeeze’s flat in Peckham? Is there f**k, but you can probably pick up some heroin at 9am by the looks of things. Also they’ve run out of milk, but since you’re getting a strong vibe of them wanting you to piss off so they can get on with their day it would have been a miserable bowl of Frosties anyway.

Distinct absence of witty dialogue

Even mediocre films like Two Night Stand feature some sort of sparky dialogue, but unless you really clicked last night you’re about to be reminded of how hard it is to make prolonged smalltalk with a stranger you have nothing in common with. In your panic you’ll probably blurt out something far more boring than anything you’d normally say, eg. ‘That’s an interesting colour of carpet!’ However if they do want to chat enthusiastically about whether a carpet is avocado or dark green it’s probably just as well this is a one-off.

Not remembering their name

This is a richly comic moment in movies, especially if it’s the woman kookily saying it. In reality your extremely recent shag not remembering even your first name isn’t great for your self-esteem, and suggests you will soon be a character in a hilarious anecdote about a regrettable coupling with a total wanker.

No gripping plot developments

Film characters tend not to disappear permanently after a one-night stand, because why would you bother getting Dakota Johnson for just a couple of scenes? Real life doesn’t have a three-act structure though, so someone you’re starting to realise you really like will walk out of your life forever, and someone you’ve realised is a pain in the arse will be gamely loitering in your bed ‘flirtatiously’ while you desperately try to think of something important you’ve got to do on a Sunday in a different physical location.

Getting home

In films, characters head off into the bustle of Manhattan with a spring in their step, wryly wondering if true love awaits if they meet again (of course it does). Your life will instead feature a tedious wait for a bus in an unfamiliar area or a back-to-earth journey on a grimy Tube train, during which you can analyse why the person you’ve just shagged doesn’t like you, if you are incredibly shit at sex, and if you’ve got herpes. So thanks for the heads-up on that, Hollywood.