GILLIAN Anderson has just edited a collection of women’s sexual fantasies, Want, which is probably rather different to what her fans are used to. Here Tom Logan, 46, suggests some improvements.
More of Ms Anderson’s fantasies
Of the 174 erotic fantasies by anonymous women, only one is by Gillian and we’re not told which. While I appreciate Ms Anderson’s playful literary coquettishness, at £18.99 I feel this represents poor value for money and fans like myself will almost certainly end up wanking over the wrong fantasy.
Make the fantasies more relatable for men
Female fantasies can be quite heavy going for a man, due to all the sex with male shop workers and, for some reason, teaching staff at Hogwarts. I think most true Gillian fans, ie. men, need something they can relate to. Perhaps she could be doing a book signing in the UK when she meets a middle-aged bloke who’s refreshingly different to her glamorous showbiz world? She’s surprised and flattered when he tells her he’s seen everything she’s in, even that film with Danny Dyer, so his lack of attractiveness isn’t an issue and they have a passionate affair. That’s just completely off the top of my head, obviously.
Not enough Agent Scully
Disappointingly, the book contains no fantasies about Agent Dana Scully. I realise Ms Anderson may wish to move on from The X-Files, but I don’t. I was thinking of something like Scully getting abducted by lesbian aliens while investigating a series of cattle mutilations. I think we can all agree that would be pretty sexy.
Provide an alternative dustcover
If you’re a man, the bright pink cover with a pink light switch symbolising a clitoris combined with all the publicity could easily give people the wrong idea. Mainly that you’re a weirdo who gets off on women’s sexual fantasies or you’ve never got over your pathetic infatuation with Gillian Anderson. I hate to perpetuate gender stereotypes, but this problem could easily be solved with a spare dust cover with an exploding helicopter and a title like Kill Zone Alpha.
More pictures of Gillian Anderson
Let’s be honest, the only people buying this are hardcore Gillian fans and bored women wanting something to read on the train, so it wouldn’t hurt to have a few pictures of her looking as beautiful as ever. Maybe she could be sitting at her desk working on the book and looking thoughtful? Or just doing anything really. Although you could have pictures of Gillian acting out all 174 sexual fantasies. I bet AI could knock that up in about five minutes and it’d be the best book ever written.
Include a fantasy with David Duchovny
I miss the chemistry between Ms Anderson and David Duchovny, and what better way to reunite these two great performers than in an alien-conspiracy-themed sex fantasy? David must have wanked himself senseless over Ms Anderson during the nine-year run of The X-Files so he’s probably got loads of fantasies she can use.
Listen to the fans
Companies like Disney keep failing to give audiences what they want and now they’re in all sorts of trouble, so Gillian should definitely consult fans for the next one. Admittedly this will result in a dog’s dinner of Mulder and Scully slashfic, softcore porn pictures and her own fantasies about shagging a robot or whatever. But after all those weird women who want to have sex with their office doorknob or breastfeed service staff, I think Gillian will have to admit the fans are dead right on this one.
