Queen Showed Me Her Swastika Tattoo, Claims Burrell

THE Queen carries a Swastika tattoo on her wrist and believes Zionists control the Post Office, Princess Diana's butler revealed yesterday.

Paul Burrell told the inquest into Diana's life that the Princess was being hounded by a vast conspiracy of racist old people, including her mother, Prince Philip and perhaps even the Sovereign herself.

Burrell described how, two months after Diana's death, he met with the Queen in a darkened room underneath Trafalgar Square.

He told the court: "Her Majesty frisked me and then asked if I had ever seen Fiddler on the Roof.

"When I said no, she slapped a hand on my shoulder and said 'good on you my son'.

"She then lifted the cuff of her smart two piece day-suit and showed me what seemed to be a DIY Swastika tattoo, before winking at me and warning me never to use the public lavatories at Runnymede."

Burrell also revealed that Diana was reluctant to have sex with anyone who was not a surgeon or at least had some form of advanced medical training.

"Oh, she loved the surgeons," he said. "Whenever she saw a good looking man on television I'd immediately have to find out if they had any surgical experience.

"If not she would usually make do, as long as they had seen a recent episode of ER."

Burrell said he was the 'hub at the centre of Diana's spokes', while her brother, Earl Spencer, was the water bottle and Elton John was a set of Shimano cantilever brakes, priced at £8.99 from Halfords.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Benitez's Desk Moved Into Car Park

THE desk of Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez has been moved into the car park as a ‘precautionary measure’, the club confirmed last night.

Co-owners Tom Hicks and George Gillet said the move was ‘standard business practice’ in the US.

Hicks added: “We’re due to move into the new stadium in 2011 and we need to start shifting our stuff sooner rather than later. Putting all Rafa’s gear into some cardboard boxes in the car park gives us a head start.”

The manager’s name has also been scrubbed from his parking bay and his name plate removed from his office door in what Hicks called ‘standard health and safety procedure’.

Meanwhile, Benitez has bought himself a small gas stove and a kettle, a fold out chair and a camping table so that he can continue to run the team from the car park.

He is currently sheltering under a golf umbrella held by one of his backroom staff, although he expects to take delivery of a £229 ‘Canberra’ 12 person three-room tent from Argos later this week.

Benitez said: “In Spain I ran Valencia from the beach with just a windbreak and a small changing towel. And this way I can make sure no-one nicks my alloys.”

Next story ›