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Middleton coat of arms features BMW badge and golf ball

THE Middleton family has unveiled Britain’s most middle class coat of arms.

The heraldic shield, which will be displayed on the back of the Royal Wedding order of service where it belongs, features three golf balls to represent each of the Middleton children.

At its centre is the badge of a BMW X5, representing all that the family holds to be important and worthy of respect.

Running from top to bottom is a ladder, with the golf ball representing Kate at the top of it, in celebration of the family’s triumphant success at social climbing.

After the wedding the coat of arms will be adapted slightly to add a small crown to the ‘Kate’ golf ball.

Heraldic expert Denys Finch-Hatton said: “Getting the coat of arms just right is hugely important to a couple as unremittingly middle class as Michael and Carole Middleton.

“The rampant BMW badge expresses both power and taste. At least it does to them.

“If only there had been room for the cover of a Joanna Trollope novel and a bottle of Cloudy Bay.”

 

 

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I spend everyday slaving after my
ungrateful husband and children, and what thanks do I get? None,
whatsoever. So if mummy decides that she deserves a few cheeky
bottles of pinot on a Friday morning, I don’t see what the big deal
is. Just because my winding-down session happens to co-incide with
one of the kids’ birthday parties, and I happen to use a few swear
words, show my underwear and fall face-first into a rabbit jelly
doesn’t warrant my husband chastising me and turning the kids against
me, does it? It’s been two days now and they’re still being huffy.
Should I tell them all to go to hell?
Fiona,
Swansea

Dear Fiona,
At times like this, the only suitable
course of action is to fake your own abduction. I’ve considered doing
it myself, many times, to teach my cruel parents a lesson and make
them realise that life without me would be rubbish, and they never
should have shouted at me and sent me to bed with no supper just
because I accidentally coloured in my granny’s white dog with blue
and green felt tips and cut off all the hair on his shoulders. If you
do go down this route, make sure you set the scene well – take time
to leave evidence of a struggle, and, if possible, leave the window
of your bedroom window open with the curtains blowing dramatically in
the wind. Then simply hide under the bed a la Shannon Matthews, wait
for your absence to be discovered and witness with satisfaction when
the frantic shouting and wailing begins. Now they wish they’d been
nicer to you, and upon careful consideration, they realise that
Bilko’s new hairdo is actually pretty awesome.
Hope that helps,
Holly

 

 

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