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Masterchef viewers divided over Greg Wallace copulating with food

VIEWERS are divided over the latest series of Masterchef, in which judge Greg Wallace assesses dishes after having sexual intercourse with them.

Puddings are now presented to Wallace on a mattress, which according to the BBC ‘is what Greg requested’ and ‘keeps the format fresh’.

Wallace then has sex with each dessert in turn before giving his comments on texture, warmth and filthiness, while John Torode looks on darkly and does sinister dry coughs.

Contestant Stephen Malley said: “When Greg said my raspberry torte tasted ‘laaaavely’ in a creepy, lascivious tone I was very pleased and assumed that would be the full extent of his feedback.

“So you can imagine my horror when he began to undo his flies.

“He went at that cake like a spaniel on a chair leg. Within seconds my beautifully-crafted dessert had been smashed into a thousand sweat-soaked pieces.

“Afterwards Greg sucked the bits of fruit out from under his fingernails, slowly and one at a time, chuckling and muttering something about ‘loving it, you flour-substituted little bitch’.

“Then John Torode helped himself to a forkful and said I’d really delivered some big flavours.”

Masterchef viewer Nikki Hollis said: “The sight of Greg’s billiard-ball head bobbing up and down like some malevolent nodding dog has forever sullied my mind.

“Having said that, it’s more interesting than Saturday Kitchen. Maybe Matt Tebbutt and Frank Skinner could have a three-way with an omelette.”

The five and only five emails people send in office jobs

OFFICE jobs look complicated from the outside, but all they really involve is sending these five emails again and again and again forever.

‘Have you updated the spreadsheet?’

Office jobs mainly involve updating spreadsheets and asking colleagues if they have updated the spreadsheet. Which spreadsheet and what needs to be updated is never specified, it’s just a great way to look generically productive until lunch or a bathroom break. To spice things up this email might occasionally include the word ‘urgent’ in all-caps, even though no spreadsheet in history has ever been important.

‘Meeting reminder’

Everyone on the team knows there is a meeting in room 12 on the second floor at 2pm because the manager has been building up to it for months. This reminder will be sent five minutes beforehand when you are visibly getting together everything you need for the meeting and telling colleagues you’ll see them in there. Invariably, the meeting will achieve nothing.

‘Please remove me from this email chain’

This email sounds polite enough, but in reality it is being hammered out with white-hot rage. All the sender wants is to be removed from an irrelevant email chain they have been mistakenly added to and would take two minutes to fix. But no, here they are once again begging for sweet release while also calculating how long they could pay their rent if they quit right now.

‘Pub?’

Traditionally sent five minutes before lunch or the end of play to the handful of cool colleagues in an office. Even though the email consists of the word ‘Pub?’ in the subject line and nothing else, more care is taken over this message than any other workplace communication. Accidentally CC in the manager or anyone from HR and the whole experience is ruined for everyone.

‘I am out of office for the week’

The easiest and most satisfying email to send. While office workers take their annual leave in France, their trusty ‘out of office’ message eagerly informs people to redirect their concerns to some unfortunate co-worker. Sometimes holidaying drones might even quickly log in to see that it’s been sent and bask in its work-dodging glow. It’s the best part of the whole trip.

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