subscribe
/ Sign Out

John Lennon, and other celebrities who would be nightmare boomers if they were alive today

CAN you imagine the famously gobby John Lennon if he had been let loose on Twitter? Here are more dead celebs who would have trashed their legacy by now if they were still with us.

John Lennon

John Lennon thoroughly enjoyed provoking people, such as when he told an American journalist in 1968 that the Beatles were ‘more popular than Jesus’. If he was alive now and had access to Twitter he’d have several million followers and be firing off controversial opinions left, right and centre. Alternatively he might have mellowed and be showbiz mates with Noel Gallagher. Neither would be good.

Diana, Princess of Wales

Diana would surely have embraced Instagram and been the ultimate hun, snapping herself necking bottles of champagne with the girls and taking her turn as a celebrity judge on Ru Paul’s Drag Race. She’d be a lot of fun on social media, but the sheer quantity of self-promoting content she’d produce would soon start to annoy people, and her Royal mystique would be lost. A bit like Meghan and Harry, but less crushingly earnest.

Sid Vicious

Sid Vicious lived fast and died young, and unfortunately helped Nancy Spungen do likewise. We can easily imagine what would have happened to Sid if he’d lived by looking at Johny Rotten. Playing in a series of increasingly rubbish bands, topped off with a stint on I’m A Celebrity and an advert for an incredibly non-punk product, which would have squandered what tiny shreds of credibility he had left. ‘Should have gone to Specsavers,’ Sid would mutter pathetically.

Elvis

Elvis would be a nonagenarian if he were still alive, which puts him slightly beyond the Boomer age group, but he’d tower over our culture like a curmudgeonly old grandad whose opinion holds more weight than everyone else’s. And being an old git he’d no doubt disapprove of today’s hyper-sexualised youth culture, despite being the one who invented gyrating your pelvis in the first place. He would have harsh words for Miley Cyrus.

Jim Morrison

Jim Morrison was into mysticism and opening your mind to different realities, so he’d be highly susceptible to online conspiracy theories. He’d constantly be on Facebook, posting wild theories about chemtrails and the Tartarian Empire and calling anyone who disagreed with him a shill for the MSM. The upside is he’d have no time for singing, which he was never very good at.

Enid Blyton

Enid Blyton would be 157 by now, but she would have fitted right in in 2024, weirdly. Chances are she’d be railing against the forces of woke stopping people enjoying golliwogs, plus doing some fat shaming and being rude about foreigners and suspicious of gipsies. She’d probably be offered the job of chair of the Conservative Party for her opinions. Poor Enid, born into the wrong era.

'Suck it till your hymen pops': Subtle clues that P Diddy had unsavoury views toward women

SEAN ‘Diddy’ Combs is facing serious accusations including holding ‘sex-trafficking parties’. But was there already reason to suspect he might not be a staunch defender of women?

‘Suck it till your hymen pops’

The track Swagga Like Puff contains this strange instruction. We’re pretty sure sucking a penis has a negligible effect on a woman’s internal body pressure, and it wouldn’t affect their hymen anyway, assuming they have one. Apart from being weird and horrible, it suggests Diddy would make a terrible scientist and an even worse gynaecologist. 

I Need a Girl (To Bella)

This mawkish tune includes the lyric ‘How I wish my wife could be you’. Before you get too excited about the sound of wedding bells, ladies, it turns out Diddy’s spouse will be expected to ‘pay my bail for me, make sales for me’ and, in a worst-case scenario, ‘go and sit in a chair that’ll fry for me’. Old Sparky would at least end your relationship with a narcissistic bellend who fantasies about you dying horribly for them.

Diddy is the best person in the world at sex

During the 2008 Olympics, Sean was asked by a female journalist what sport he would excel in. ‘Who could have sex the longest… and probably who could stay up the longest,’ he said, adding, ‘That’s supposed to be funny. Even though I am serious.’ This has to be the least cool attempt at a chat-up ever, but there’s no point talking yourself out of a shag, right, lads?

The current lawsuit

Strangely, Diddy is being sued by male music producer Lil Rod, who claims he sexually assaulted him and forced him to have sex with prostitutes. It’s difficult at this stage to imagine precisely what happened, but it sounds suspiciously similar to…

All the other lawsuits

In 2023 Diddy’s ex Cassie Ventura accepted a financial settlement after describing ‘a cycle of abuse, violence, and sex trafficking’ lasting a decade. Specifically, she claimed he made her have sex with male prostitutes while he watched, filming and wanking. Diddy currently faces three more lawsuits alleging combinations of rape, violence and drugging women, all of which he denies. What dreadful bad luck for Diddy to have met so many vindictive fantasists.

‘Got Asian women that’ll change my linen after I done blazed and hit ’em’

The unimaginatively-titled track Diddy featured this line until Mr Combs deleted it after accusations of racial stereotyping. Well, yes. Does any rapper ever refer to Asian people outside the context of chop suey and Chinese laundries? It’s also a bit disconcerting that a rap megastar sounds like your racist uncle Trevor who still thinks Chinese restaurants serve up local cats.

Sweatshops 

‘Oh God, he doesn’t make his girlfriends work in sweatshops, does he?’ you’re probably thinking by now. No, but it emerged that female workers making Diddy’s Sean John clothing line in sweatshops in Honduras were subjected to strip searches, ‘involuntary pregnancy tests’ and other terrible working conditions. In fairness Diddy’s people investigated and the workers now have a union and better conditions, so while Diddy may have ‘issues’ with women, he does at least allow them access to drinking water.

Next story ›