ARE you a man who wishes your partner liked and fancied you more? Simply become a creepy carbon copy of Oppenheimer star Cillian Murphy. Here’s what you need to do.
Learn acting
Luckily there are various routes into this. There’s local amateur dramatics but ideally you should get into drama at university like Cillian, so do another degree. Your relationship may actually suffer during this part of your transformation due to always being busy learning your lines for Our Town, but remember you’re in it for the long haul.
Plastic surgery
You’ll need pictures of Cillian and a good plastic surgeon. And a huge loan. And months of painful recovery. But there’s no other way to get Cillian’s perfect cheekbones and masculine yet delicate good looks. There’s a strong risk of permanent disfigurement, but think how great your sex life will be once, hopefully, you turn out looking like Cillian.
Be very intense
Around now is a good time to learn Cillian’s trademark smouldering intensity. It’s basically just staring at things without blinking, so don’t sweat it. Normally being intense is a very boring trait, but your partner won’t mind. She’s shagging Cillian f**king Murphy!
Do a zombie movie
Cillian’s breakout role was of course 28 Days Later, and you need something similar. Just don’t pick a dud. If it’s called something like Last of the Daylight and Sienna Miller is ‘attached’ it should be alright. If it’s called Kebab Shop Zombie Flesh Eaters and your co-star is James Corden, it’s going to be frighteningly shit.
Learn an Irish accent
You probably should have done this earlier, but whatever. Irish accents are easy – ask Tom Cruise. Just say ‘da’ and ‘o’ a lot, eg. ‘Top o’ da mornin’ to ya, sor!’, which should now be your customary greeting.
Don’t sleep around
Everything should be going well at this point – your partner will probably be bringing you breakfast in bed every morning and be up for all sorts of sexual hi-jinks now you look like Cillian Murphy. The real Cillian is a settled family guy, but he probably still gets a lot of offers and you may not have his moral fibre. It’s not really improving your relationship if your partner keeps finding you in bed with slappers you met at the bus stop.
Become mates with Christopher Nolan
A role in a Christopher Nolan film is a good way to get on the Hollywood radar. To be honest it it doesn’t really matter if it’s a confusing pile of cock like Tenet (not Tenant, by the way, morons). Your partner will be blown away anyway by going to the premiere and seeing the back of Timothée Chalamet’s head.
Go massive
Now you just need a vaguely arty, worthy, critically-acclaimed mega-hit. People won’t be watching anything about scientists again after three hours of f**king Oppenheimer, so look out for scripts about Ben-Gurion, Roosevelt or Rommel. Your partner will enjoy sharing your success as the plaudits and awards roll in, and she’ll be especially excited after getting pissed at an awards do with Scarlett Johansson and Jennifer Lawrence.
Murder the real Cillian Murphy
Now you’re Cillian Murphy you don’t want him pinching your roles. You’ll have to murder him – a blow to the head with your Oscar for Rommel would be wonderfully ironic. You’ll need help disposing of the body, but your partner can’t really complain about sawing Cillian’s legs off after all the work you’ve put in on your relationship.
