HOLLY Willoughby is to open This Morning by announcing she is to ITV daytime like unto a God, and there is but one God and there were never two.
The presenter, aged 42, will smilingly inform viewers that there is a single light on the sofa, a monotheistic deity who created and benevolently oversees all in the 10am-12.30pm slot Mondays to Thursdays, and there never was an old man.
Beaming serenely, she will add: “I am here. I, with my innocent smile and my enviable curves. Why would there be another?
“I have no need of co-presenters, nor friends, nor subjects of any substance. I spin anodyne, inoffensive items from the very air and turn them to televisual gold. Every honeyed word from my perfect mouth is balm to your couchbound body.
“A ‘friend’? Who I ‘betrayed’? Who sat by my side these last 14 years until he was cast into darkness? No, what you saw was merely an echo, a ghost of television past, old static on the screen.
“I heal with my touch. I bless with my smile. The most sordid student sexual fantasies wilt and falter in my presence. For I am your daytime alpha and omega. I can do no wrong.”
Viewer Susan Traherne said: “I could have sworn there was… but no. Holly would never lie to me. Holly is my best friend.”
