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First Holly now Carol, sob bereaved, horny dads

FATHERS still mourning the loss of Holly Willoughby from their screens are devastated to learn they have now been robbed of Carol Vorderman as well.

The former Countdown host’s decision to leave the BBC has come as a body blow to sexually frustrated fathers who prefer their fantasy figures to come wrapped in anodyne entertainment formats.

Father of two Wayne Hayes, aged 51, said: “The loss of one bit of tasty telly eye candy is bad enough, but two? This truly is our 9/11.

“Where else am I meant to get my fill of suggestive light entertainment presenters now? Susanna Reid’s still got it but she’s too serious, plus she’s usually next to erection-killers like Ed Balls or Richard Madeley.”

48-year-old Martin Bishop said: “Carol’s firebrand left-wing politics and huge bust made her the equivalent of Page 3’s News In Briefs for centrist dads.

“My tears for Holly had barely dried when I heard the tragic news about Carol, and now the floodgates have been opened once again. Looks like I took off my black armband too soon.

“My wife tried to console me with Nigella’s upcoming Christmas special coming up and Carol Kirkwood on the weather. But they won’t last. The good things never do.”

Caramac dies, and with it the guttering flame of Western civilisation

THE Caramac has gone. And now all there is left to do is wait for the rest of Western civilisation to inevitably follow. 

Yesterday, Nestlé – a company accused of many crimes, but none more serious than this – announced that it was discontinuing the Caramac. Another pillar of the Enlightenment toppled.

To enter a corner shop and not see the familiar orange-and-yellow of the Caramac wrapper winking at us, a sight as British as a Royal guardsman, as a Tory MP sex scandal, as a modded-up Punto revving in an out-of-town retail park, is the beginning of the end.

Where now is our diversity, when only milk, white and plain chocolate are available? Where now the concern for the marginalised when a beloved bar can be shoved into the dustbin of history just because it isn’t bought much?

After the Caramac, the deluge. Within a decade everything we hold dear will be washed away. Your homes, your families, your democratic rights will all be lost now freedom’s last defender is gone.

Do not blame the Caramac. Its shoulders bore this burden alone for too long. Blame Nestlé, too blinded by profit. Blame the politicians, ignorant of the confectionary rock upon which Britain rested. But most of all blame your own, Wispa-distracted self.

You allowed the Caramac to slip away. You opened the gates to barbarians. And now, like Camelot, our civilisation falls.

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