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Eric Clapton, and other celebrities who have gone full gammon thanks to Covid

WHILE Covid has made heroes of some, it’s forced several celebrities into becoming raving lunatics. Here are the worst:

Eric Clapton

The guitar-noodling lockdown sceptic recently said that he won’t perform in venues where people require proof of vaccination to attend. Given that those will be the rules he’d better enjoy playing concerts to silence – which, given the ageing audience still interested in seeing him perform live he’s probably used to.

Van Morrison

Northern Ireland’s most famous fedora-wearer has become perhaps the defining anti-lockdown artist. Having long had a reputation as a grumpy prick, his decision to release an entire album of dreary anti-lockdown songs has elevated him to being a weapons-grade bellend.

Laurence Fox

Throughout lockdown the part-time actor and full-time arsehole has really entered his own league of twattery. From his nonsensical bid to become the Mayor of London to slagging off the NHS, he has been the gammon gift that keeps on giving if that gift is a box full of idiotic opinions designed purely to antagonise.

Noel Gallagher

Having made a career from writing songs with utterly meaningless lyrics, it should come as no surprise that he has gone on several equally incoherent tirades about mask-wearing. Noel should be well aware that if more people agree with Liam Gallagher on a subject than with you, your opinions are deeply flawed and terminally shameful.

Ian Brown

The former Stone Roses singer’s staunch opposition to vaccines comes as something of a surprise given he spent the majority of the late 80s and 90s pumping his body full of suspect chemicals. His decision to cancel performances where vaccines are required should be seen as a relief to anyone who’s pretended to enjoy any album he’s released since Second Coming.

Port Talbot and other top UK holiday destinations now everywhere's booked

THANKS to Covid, even Britain’s least desirable tourist towns are totally booked up. Where could you go instead?

Coventry

Did you know that Coventry boasts more loading bays than any other city in Europe? Why not count them all to find out if this is a genuine fact? It will be the most interesting part of your holiday, aside from a day trip to Birmingham’s majestic Spaghetti Junction.

Doncaster

Consistently voted one of the UK’s worst places to live, Doncaster is sure to have plenty of accommodation available, even during Covid. It’s got a minster, just like nearby York, but aside from that the only entertainment is fighting with feral stag and hen parties and a spot of souvenir hunting in Poundland.

Cumbernauld

Visit Scotland and enjoy its breathtaking landscapes and friendly hostelries. Except you can’t, as they’ll be teeming with middle-class English people who booked everything out three months ago. Apart from Cumbernauld, a Brutalist monstrosity of a town featuring Britain’s first ever shopping centre and miles of scary, deserted underpasses. It’s a place you’d only go to if you had no other option, which you haven’t.

B&Q car park, Lower Sydenham, South London

Campsites booked? Take the camper van to this car park. It’s an easy journey and you can enjoy retail paradise in the form of an enormous Tesco, a Carphone Warehouse and a McDonald’s drive-thru. Genuinely more fun than a midge-infested campground in rural Northumberland.

Port Talbot

Who doesn’t want to spend their holiday looking at a view of the largest steelworks in the UK belching smoke out day and night? Everyone, which is why you’ll easily be able to book into a B&B in the middle of the summer holidays. The best nearby attraction is Newport, where you can get your passport renewed ready to get the f**k out of this country next year.

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