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Do you have a chance with Kim Kardashian? Take our quiz

COULD you be Mr Right for the newly single billionaire businesswoman model? Find out with our quiz.

What is your financial situation?

A) I’m a hugely successful rapper and designer of terrible shoes, so I have a few million bucks kicking around.

B) I earn barely above minimum wage in a dead-end office job I complain about constantly. I found a tenner on the pavement last month if that helps.

How would you rate yourself in the looks department?

A) Put it this way, I think I’m so hot that I can wear any old shit and I’m convinced that I pull it off.

B) Judging by my lack of Tinder matches, I’d say I’m a 2.

Which famous and important people do you know?

A) Myself. Everyone else is insignificant.

B) Owen Jones liked one of my tweets once, does that count?

What would you get Kim for her birthday?

A) Something normal like a towering hologram of her late father which I’ve programmed to say that I’m the most genius man in the whole world.

B) Something thoughtful related to her interests. Maybe a photo of her bum?

What do you think of fame for fame’s sake?

A) There are other kinds of fame?

B) It looks toxic and unhealthy but I still read every pointless article about Love Island nonentities in the Daily Mail.

Mostly As: Sorry, Kim’s already dated someone uncannily similar to you so she’s probably looking for something new. Better luck next time.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations! Your modest lifestyle is exactly the change of pace Kim is probably looking for right now. Play your cards right and you could end up starring in a blurry sex tape.

Five Brexit benefits they're not telling you about

JUST six days into Brexit, and the many positives the left-wing media aren’t telling you about are blindingly obvious. Norman Steele talks you through them: 

Better food

Not even a week in, and already the EU’s given up trying to force us to eat its unwanted baguettes and pasta. There’s literally none on the shelves. And beyond Melton Mowbray’s proprietary pork products there is a wealth of British cuisine waiting to be discovered. Did you know that jellied eels are real?

Better passports

The media are focusing on non-stories like ‘spiking infection rates’, ‘a national lockdown’ and a ‘travel ban’ to try and hide this. But what else was Heathrow so crowded for the other night, if not a crush of patriots buzzing at using their proper passports to visit Dubai?

Better jobs

According to Al down the British Protection, you couldn’t used to get a job without a year volunteering in a Portuguese vineyard. And he should know, he’s been unemployed since the Falklands War. Now you can get whatever promotion you like, just by asking. That’s Brexit.

Cheaper holidays

Yes, you read that correctly. They might be in in places like Berwick-Upon-Tweed and Stroud, but they’ll be cheaper. The money you save on airfare can be spent on Cornish vodka.

No French kids

Red tape and a hostile environment will mean fewer French children in backpacks walking around market towns. The pavements will be clear, the parks will be peaceful, and the line for McDonald’s will be a pleasure to stand in. This one’s an actual, real benefit, isn’t it.

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