Brian Thompson named Butcher And Meat Wholesaler's 'man of the year'

BRIAN Thompson, the Grantham butcher who set up a website, has been chosen as ‘Man of the Year’ by Butcher and Meat Wholesaler magazine.

The presitigous trade journal cited Thompson’s uncompromising use of information technology to bring a new level of synchronised interconnecitivity to almost one in eight of the population of the Lincolnshire market town.

Thompson was the surprise choice ahead of Doncaster’s Ian Blackmore, Peterborough’s David Kenwright and Wikileak’s Julian Assange.

Editor, Martin Bishop, said: “Brian Thompson has wired together a twelfth of Grantham into a single meat network, creating a beef and pork-based social entity almost twice the size of Caythorpe.

“We have entered the thompsonandsons.co.uk age and Brian Thompson is the man who brought us here.”

But Thompson’s accolade provoked online fury after the readers’ vote was won comfortably by Ian Blackmore.

Meanwhile others insisted it didn’t matter because it was just some fucking magazine read by a load of ponces who think they’re better than you.

Tom Logan, a Blackmore voter, said: “This is about money versus freedom. Ian was giving away beef cheeks for next to nothing, just so people could see what they tasted like. He’s the butcher who upset the apple cart.”

But Martin Bishop insisted: “More people eat meat than, say, use one of the non-meat based social networks like Facebook, ergo Brian Thompson must be more important than Mark Zuckerberg.

“Did I just say ‘ergo’?”

 

 

Post office could close unless elderly man moves away from counter

A POST office could be forced to close unless 83-year-old Roy Hobbs accepts that he does not have the correct documents to renew his car tax.

Hobbs has been standing at the counter in the Gloucestershire village of Tetbury for seven weeks now while staff attempted to explain to him that the book he is holding is not his car’s logbook but a slim volume on fly-fishing. 

Repeated attempts to tell him an MOT and insurance certificate are necessary to tax his 2007 Ford Fiesta Ghia have failed, and it now seems likely Hobbs will remain in place until death.

Nathan Muir, who just wants some f**king stamps, said: “I know he was probably in the war and all that shit but can’t we just pick him up with a forklift?

“He may actually be dead. He’s leaning pretty heavily against the counter and I don’t see any breath steaming the glass.

“How long have I been here? No idea. But I’m next to the paperbacks and I’ve read Doctor of My Heart, The Ambassador’s Mistress and one about a dishy vet.” 

In the last eight months, more than 80 post offices have closed because of customers’ inability to complete their transactions and piss off.

A branch near Telford was shuttered after a woman spent a month returning more than 6,500 packages to Asos, while Mossley lost its Post Office after retired headteacher Margaret Gerving brought in a collection of coins with a total value of £67,899,540 and 28 pence.