THE winner of The Great British Bake Off will leave humanity to work in Mr Kipling’s underground cake catacombs.
Tonight’s winner will be handed over to Kipling’s bald, dwarfish minions in the traditional ceremony which follows the end of the series.
The judges will solemnly shave the winner’s head and kiss them on both eyelids, before handing them over to Kipling’s homunculi who will load them into a sedan chair and carry them into a cave.
Little is known about life in Kipling’s subterranean world, but it is understood that his baking factory is a huge cavern where Kipling’s giant fondant-encased brain hovers above a cake production line staffed by a mix of human bakers and troglodytes.
Mr Kipling said: “For the Bake Off Champion, this is a homecoming. Here there is only cake.”
A spokesman said: “Any who enters the Bake Off understands that this is their ultimate reward. Once they have embarked on the spiritual path of baking, high quality confectionary becomes the only absolute.”
