THE Post Office has announced that counterfeit stamps, heavy rain and the Arctic Monkeys’ recent loungecore albums are all postmasters’ fault.
Following the discovery that stamps sold over Post Office counters are being scanned as counterfeit, the Post Office wasted no time in confirming there cannot be any error in its computing systems therefore postmasters are to blame for it and for so much more.
A spokesman said: “As Sherlock Holmes said, once you eliminate the impossible whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. And it’s impossible we could be at fault.
“The only conclusion, therefore, is that postmasters are selling counterfeits as real, are seeding clouds to create rain, drive footfall and sell greetings cards, and secretly played lift muzak while Alex Turner was sleeping to steer him in a new direction.
“Why else would these stamps be showing up as fake? Why else would the spring weather, normally so clement, be so foul? Why else would a hugely successful rock band turn so disastrously to easy listening? Except postmasters?
“In the meantime, our advice to the public to pay their £5 fines, wear a coat, and pray that the Monkeys’ take heed of the muted reception to The Car. Don’t worry. Prosecutions will be forthcoming.”
He added: “We never found out what killed the dinosaurs, did we? Hmm. I have a theory. Actually might as well call it fact.”
