SCOTTISH police have confirmed they will look like big fascist knobs if they arrest JK Rowling and limp little willys if they do not. 

Officers north of the border are making the tough choice between storming the Rowling castle to arrest an author against the prime minister’s wishes, or being humiliated by a ginger who makes up stories about wizards at boarding school.

Detective inspector Will McKay said: “This new hate crime act puts us in the position of being twats whatever we do. So thanks for that.

“On the one hand we have perhaps Scotland’s most internationally famous person jeering at us on social media. Traditionally we’d go in hard, 24 or so of us in riot gear wrecking shit, but it must be remembered she’s got more money than God.

“On the other if we just sit here while she flings shite at us from up in her fancy tower then we look weak, ineffectual and are failing to enforce the law, which will be hypocritical when we steam in on some other bastard whose tweets we dislike.

“Either way, we’re now being asked to referee every row between twats on social media while continuing to police a nation of drunks, hard drug-users and easygoing sectarian violence. Great.”

Rowling said: “Isn’t anyone going to arrest me? I was going to call myself the Misgendering Martyr.”