Payday lenders to sell electricity instead

PAYDAY lenders are to switch from 4,000% loans to selling deliciously expensive electricity.

As the government introduced interest rate caps on the controversial firms, Wonga, Kwik Cash and FirstBorn said the industry was no longer ‘sufficiently horrible’.

A spokesman for FirstBorn said: “We put the interest rate cap into our gouging spreadsheet and the computer made a ‘eh-uh’ noise like Mr Babbage in Family Fortunes.

“It is therefore time for us to cast our eye towards a bright new horizon where you have to pay whatever we tell you to pay or your telly won’t work.

“We are also looking at a business model where we lend you the money to pay your electricity bill.”

A spokesman for EDF said the company was ‘relaxed’ about the new competition, adding: “There is just so much cash. It is fucked up.”

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Thatcher cabinet to reform for London show

THE surviving members of Margaret Thatcher’s legendary second cabinet are to reunite for a spectacular show at London’s O2 Arena.

The team, including Geoffrey Howe, Cecil Parkinson, Nigel Lawson, Norman Tebbit and Michael Heseltine, will perform their classic material which has been repeated lovingly by every cabinet since 1981.

Tebbit has promised to ‘dust off’ his much-loved Get On Your Bike And Look For Work monologue, while Geoffrey Howe will lie perfectly still inside a dog cage for the Dead Chancellor sketch.

Meanwhile, Cecil Parkinson has said that if his hip can take it he will do his Ministry of Having Affairs.

Nigel Lawson, famous for his surreal animation, said: “With the huge cuts to public services and a massive drop in the standard of living, we hope that people will still find it funny.”

The finale will bring the entire cast together for a rendition of ‘The Bastard Song’.

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