Pandemic and global recession beaten hands-down by triumphant British house prices

A WORLDWIDE pandemic paired with a global recession is no match for heroic rising British property prices, it has emerged.

While all other areas of society have been adversely affected by the pandemic, house prices in the UK have refused to cower against the virus and the ensuing economic collapse in an extraordinary vote of confidence in this nation’s can-do spirit.

Estate agent Francesca Johnson said: “It really is heartening to see that a novel virus that has devastated nations is powerless against a four-bed semi-detached on the outskirts of Stoke.

“The might of science has been outstripped by a windowless bedsit in London with great transport links to closed offices, fighting the good fight by being on the market for three-quarters of a million pounds.

“People have criticised the British government for ignoring all evidence, logic and reason. Well, that’s how the housing market’s behaved, and look at it f**king go.

“The pandemic isn’t over. But while your parents’ bungalow they bought in 1995 continues to be worth £620,000, we know we can win.”

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Six movies for men who don't know how to grow up

ARE you a male adult whose cinematic tastes never matured past being a thrilled 15-year-old watching an 18 certificate? These movies soothe your soul:

Commando

Arnold Schwarzenegger made a great many comfort food action movies, with endless cheesy, unrealistic violent sequences like a lovely warm blanket. This contains the classic line ‘Let off some steam’ as a man is impaled on a pipe emitting steam. Because subtlety is for subtitled films.

The Fast & Furious series

Deepening in dream-like ridiculousness as they go on, all these films star fast cars and men so hugely muscled they can hardly speak. The plots are increasingly complicated but that’s because they’re gibberish, not that they’re Glengarry Glen Ross or Chinatown.

Anything written by Alistair MacLean

Novelist MacLean spawned some highly entertaining WWII movies like Where Eagles Dare and The Guns of Navarone which are absolute twaddle classics. They’re the equivalent of having a long, hot bath with scented candles and a glass of champagne, but for blokes.

Rambo

John Rambo can take out all of his enemies with ease, be they macho small-town sheriffs, the Viet Cong or the entire Russian army. He doesn’t need language or emotions. You could probably do the same if you joined a gym.

Hard Target

The greatest and most nonsensical Jean-Claude Van Damme movie begins with rich businessmen hunting the homeless for sport and ends with a massive shootout in a carnival factory. Features a father figure who lives in the woods with only a shitload of guns, as all good dads should.

The Expendables

The cinematic equivalent of playing with all your Action Men in a sandpit, aged six, with roughly the same story. Worryingly for the future of the human race, these shite, predictable films treat men like they have an IQ of about 30 and it seems men largely agree.

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