Arts & Entertainment

ANDREW Lloyd-Webber is to join the cast of the Channel Four soap opera Hollyoaks as an incredibly ugly composer of terrible songs.

BNP activist Richard Barnbrook is to marry beautiful English dancer Simone Clarke  after rescuing her from the clutches of a slanty-eyed Latino half-breed devil, he said last night.

RADIO One has been ordered to take a week off after colleagues expressed concern over her increasingly erratic behaviour.

THE BBC has unveiled the spectacular line-up for what promises to be the best Billiepipermas ever.

THE number of primary schools ditching the traditional Christmas nativity in favour of key scenes from The Godfather is at an all-time high.

SIR Paul McCartney has revealed that the mysterious final track on Abbey Road was actually a cryptic reference to Yoko Ono.

THE BBC has responded to huge public demand by spending £50m of license payers money on a piece-of-shit soap opera set in Australia.

SINGER Morrissey is refusing to come back to Britain because the country's immigrant population smile too much. 

JAMIE Oliver's recipe for free-range chicken roasted with garlic and chestnuts has won this year's 'bad sex' book award.

THE huge crack in the middle of the Tate Gallery has become a seedy hangout for tiny, drug-abusing Borrowers, the Daily Mash has learned.