A MOTHER has decided that her son’s 25th birthday should be marked with anecdotes about perineal tears and a pelvic floor ‘that never recovered’.

Joanna Kramer called son Jack on his big day to offer brief congratulations and to remind him that, ever since she brought him into this world, she fears sneezing.

She continued: “25 years! 25 years, Jack, since I was lying in a hospital bed after 36 hours of labour with my vagina in tatters. That’s the ‘birth’ part of the word ‘birthday’.”

“And while you’ve grown and thrived it’s never been the same down there since. I can’t go on trampolines. If I laugh too much I wet myself. And let’s draw a discreet veil over lovemaking, except to say you should feel bloody guilty about what your father’s suffered.

“I’m not trying to say I wish you’d never been born, never that, but it’s important to remember on this day of festivities we should be mourning the loss of a truly world-class pussy.”

Son Jack said: “She couldn’t bake me a cake or send me a card with fifty quid in. It had to be all about the blighting of her fanny again.

“But she’s been giving this speech since my eighth birthday party at LaserQuest. I’m used to it.”